


silence and sound

by carissima



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Hand Jobs, Jealous Zayn, M/M, Take Me Home Tour, Tour Bus Sex, Tour Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 03:34:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1495048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carissima/pseuds/carissima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Frustrated and tongue-tied, Zayn does the only thing he can think of in that moment and he surges forward, pressing his lips against Liam's.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The last thing he expects Liam to do is kiss him back.</i>
</p><p>Or the one where Zayn's jealous of Louis and Liam's closeness after Liam splits up with his girlfriend and it takes them a year to figure it all out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	silence and sound

**Author's Note:**

> A massive, huge thanks to [Héla](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vastlyunknown/pseuds/vastlyunknown) for the beta. Ziam isn't a pairing that comes naturally to me, so I was in desperate need of help with this one and I couldn't have asked for anyone better!
> 
> And of course to [Bee](http://henleyliam.tumblr.com/), who is my forever cheerleader and won't let me give up even when I cry and sob and wail at her in frustration. I don't know how she puts up with me, honestly.
> 
> In this reality, Perrie doesn't exist. Or maybe she did but it's been over for a long time. Basically, she's not mentioned.

Zayn's half asleep in his hotel room, his head resting on Niall's lap while Niall strokes his hair gently, just the way Zayn likes while Niall catches up on Match of the Day as it plays quietly in the background. They've had a long day of promo and he's not really sure where Harry is, but Louis and Liam are sitting on the other bed, giggling and whispering at each other. He doesn't mind; the sound is sort of comforting somehow and anything that makes Liam smile these days is a good thing. A great thing, actually.

Niall mutters something about missing an open goal and Zayn squeezes his knee gently where his hand rests. Niall's fingers scratch idly against Zayn's scalp, almost making him purr in delight as he drifts off to sleep to the melodic sound of Mark Lawrenson's awful commentary and Liam's hushed giggles.

When he wakes up, it's dark and the telly's been turned off. Zayn opens his eyes slowly because he prefers to ease into consciousness, unlike Liam who always likes to run into it full speed. Niall and Louis have disappeared back to their own rooms and Liam's curled up behind him, hand on Zayn's hip like usual, slightly possessive which Zayn's always assumed is because he's used to sharing with Dani and it's an unconscious thing he does.

Except Liam doesn't sleep with Dani anymore. Not since their calm, reasonable, very mature lets-be-friends breakup that sent Liam into a spiral of sadness, hurt and general loss of direction in life. But his hand finds Zayn's hip all the same, every time he crawls into Zayn's bed. He's done it every night they've been on their promo tour so far since the break up. At first, Zayn tugged him into his bed when Liam just looked so miserably at his own big, cold bed. Then after a few nights, Liam started just climbing into Zayn's bed without being invited, turning his big sad eyes towards Zayn, his bottom lip jutting out just enough to have Zayn groaning and slipping into bed with him without a word, backs to each other as usual until Liam turns in the night to cuddle up to a warm body, which just happens to be Zayn.

Zayn shuffles back into Liam's body, seeking his warmth as Liam curls up behind him imperceptibly and closes his eyes, drifting back into a dreamless sleep.

*

Liam's waking him up much too early and Zayn tries to bat him away, hearing Liam's quiet laugh.

"C'mon Zaynie," Liam says softly, stroking Zayn's face with the back of his hand. It's a technique he figured out in their X Factor days all those years ago, and Zayn kind of likes it. At least it's much better than Louis yelling at him and smacking him around the face or Harry tickling him. "It's time to get up, babe."

"S'too early," he grumbles, trying to pull the covers over his head but Liam's used to Zayn's morning routine, one hand keeping the covers fixed in place. "Leeeyum, five more minutes."

He feels the bed sink and he shifts to rest his head in Liam's lap, Liam's hand slipping into his hair and scratching his scalp gently. "Already given you an extra fifteen minutes," Liam murmurs. "Gotta get up for rehearsal."

Zayn hates that he can hear the flat note in Liam's voice. He really hates that he's heard it so often lately. He curls his hand around Liam's and squeezes, trying to offer comfort. Liam ducks his head down, bumping against Zayn's gently and squeezing his hand in turn.

"I'll see you downstairs in twenty, yeah?" Liam whispers, not pulling away and Zayn nods, cupping Liam's cheek as he gives him a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth.

"Don't get into too much trouble while you're waiting, yeah?" Zayn says, only half-teasing because Liam's turning into a bit of a mischief-magnet at the moment. Or a Louis-magnet, Zayn mentally corrects himself, amused.

"Don't take so long then," Liam says, smiling down at him before he stands up and leaves, leaving Zayn to flop back against the now-cool sheets and stare up at the white ceiling, breathing in slowly before he pulls himself up and out of bed and pads lazily towards the bathroom.

He makes it downstairs in 27 minutes, where Liam hands him a piece of toast swiped from the buffet and Zayn shoots him a grateful look before he follows the boys out to the car to take them to their rehearsal. He ends up tucked up next to Niall, who as usual makes an excellent pillow but he can't sleep, not while Louis and Liam are in front, harassing Harry who's whining loudly about being horribly bullied by his own bandmates while Louis shouts in his own defence and Liam spends the entire journey laughing.

He knows that it's good for Liam to laugh, and he knows Louis' good for Liam, in general and particularly right now. But he'd just really, really like just a little more sleep.

By lunchtime, he's not the only one tired of Louis and Liam. They're meant to be rehearsing for their performance tonight but Louis' spent most of the day making Liam laugh and they haven't managed one complete run through of their performance. Harry pulled Louis aside to try and talk some sense into him earlier, but it seemed to have the opposite effect, as five minutes afterwards Louis was on Liam's back, demanding to be carried to his mark and Liam dutifully obeying, of course.

As soon as their break’s called, Harry disappears with his phone already glued to his ear and Niall gives the lads an annoyed look before he heads over to Josh and ducks behind the drum set.

Zayn flops onto the floor where he is and folds his hands behind his head, closing his eyes and wondering if Louis will let him have five minutes of peace. When he feels someone fall down next to him and poke his side, he lazily cracks open an eye to see Liam grinning at him, looking honestly happy and well, it's impossible for Zayn to resist this Liam. It's hard to resist any version of Liam really, but this one is especially impossible for Zayn to refuse anything.

"Hey babe," he says slowly, one hand reaching out to gently bat Liam's hand away where he's trying to tickle Zayn's side.

Liam tangles his fingers with Zayn’s, wriggling them until he's happy with his grip and they both lay with their backs flat on the stage floor, eyes closed as they just breathe together.

"Everything okay?" Zayn asks quietly. It's the same question he asks Liam every day. Liam's answer is always the same, but Zayn's spent a lot of time learning the nuances to Liam's voice.

"Fine," Liam answers by rote, and it's definitely happier-sounding than it's been recently. Zayn kicks his leg out, his foot connecting with Liam's. Liam kicks him back just as lightly and Zayn tugs him in for a hug that Liam falls too easily into. His arm falls across Zayn, lying heavy against his chest as he curls into Zayn's body and as always, Zayn wonders at how naturally they’ve always fit together.

"Talk to me if you need to," he mumbles and he can feel Liam smile into his neck. "Like, whenever. Even if I'm asleep or whatever."

"Wow," Liam teases gently. "I feel really special, mate."

"Well, you're my best mate, aren't ya?" Zayn says honestly and suddenly he's got an armful of Liam straddling his waist, locked in and cuddling him tightly. "Even if you and Louis are being annoying wankers today."

"Sorry," Liam mumbles into his chest, even though he doesn't sound sorry whatsoever so Zayn gives him a shove and Liam falls to his side, laughing as they playfully swipe at each other for a few minutes.

Until Louis falls between them and suddenly Zayn's got his five minutes of peace as Louis proceeds to talk Liam into pulling some epic prank on Harry that involves a chair and two bananas as well as Liam's indispensable help, apparently.

Zayn ends up staring at the ceiling, his face drawn into a frown as he listens to Liam's laughter ringing down the hallway, his hand resting uselessly against his chest.

*

It's takes another week before Zayn starts missing Liam. He knows it's ridiculous because Liam's _right there_ but then again, he's not. He's spending most of his time with Louis and Zayn gets it, he really does but it's not until he wakes up in the middle of the night, squinting because the light is on and he can't understand why through his confused sleep haze, until he hears quiet whispers behind him.

With a silent groan, he tries to block them out and fall back to sleep because he's exhausted and he can never seem to get enough sleep these days. He's almost asleep when he hears Liam sniffle and suddenly he's wide awake. Zayn's about to turn around and check Liam's okay but he freezes when he hears Louis.

"Maybe you should talk to her, see if you can work things out," Louis says quietly and Zayn's immediately reaction is to turn around and smack him because no, that's absolutely not what Liam needs to hear right now. "If you're this miserable without her, maybe you should try again, you know?"

Zayn squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to listen. He desperately tries not to listen and not to feel hurt just because Liam's talking to Louis about this and not him. It doesn't _mean_ anything, he tells himself over and over. Just because Liam's always come to him in the past with this stuff or for advice, just because Liam's his best mate and Zayn's his, it doesn't mean they always have to come to each other with their problems.

Zayn's chest feels heavy and hurts all the same though.

When he asks Liam in the morning during a much-needed break in promos if he's okay and Liam says he's fine and just smiles, Zayn's chest physically aches and he has to push the heel of his palm square against it to stop the pressure from crippling him. When Liam's hand slides over his and shoots him a questioning look, Zayn just sighs and tugs him in for a hug, because Liam's still Liam and he's still Zayn's best mate, even if he is confiding in Louis right now instead of him and even if Louis is giving him crap advice.

Apparently, it's a conversation that Liam and Louis have a lot. Zayn hears them talking about it over dinner and he hears Louis asking Liam about Dani when they're on a plane to another destination and he hears them discussing it quietly while the rest of the boys try and watch Skyfall. Zayn determinedly shuts it out, just like he shuts out how often Liam doesn't come to bed until long after Zayn's fallen asleep now, or how Liam sits with Louis when they watch movies now instead of letting Zayn fall asleep on his shoulder, or when they're in interviews and Liam chooses to sit next to Louis instead of Zayn.

He feels a bit off all week. A bit unsteady, like he's not quite himself or he's not quite grounded. He spends Monday annoyed because Harry woke him up while Liam was having breakfast with Louis. On Tuesday, Liam spends the night in Louis and Harry's room and it's fine, because Harry stumbles into his room at 1am, complaining that he can't get to sleep with those two idiots giggling and Zayn lets him sleep with him, even though Harry's a clingy sleeper and he wakes up too early, too hot and too tired from all the times he woke up in the night and tried to shove Harry off him. It makes him grouchy and even Liam sitting next to him in the car doesn't shake his mood.

His mood worsens when he speaks to his mum on Wednesday evening and he gets a little homesick like he always does when he calls her on the road, even now and when he tries to find Liam, who's brilliant at cheering Zayn up and making him forget about how much he misses his family, Niall tells him that Louis, Liam and Harry have all gone to watch a movie at the local cinema and then they're going out after.

Zayn heads to bed soon after, annoyed and homesick and stupidly, unreasonably upset. And when Liam stumbles into their room sometime after midnight and his hand sneaks around Zayn's hip, Zayn stays where he is and doesn't move back into Liam's body like he usually does. And when Liam's breathing evens out soon after, Zayn shifts away from Liam's touch because for the first time ever, it doesn't feel as comforting as it usually does. It just feels cold.

In the morning he wakes up to find Liam curled up behind him, practically spooning him. It's odd to be waking up first. Zayn thinks he can count the number of times it's happened on one hand. Liam's hand is still on his hip, fingers biting into his skin as he's pressed up against Zayn and he's not cold, not now. Half-asleep still, Zayn feels snug and secure and he leans back slightly, feeling Liam's breath warm against his neck and he can't help the shiver that dances along his heated skin. He presses back against Liam, seeking more because god, he's missed this so much, the closeness and even Liam's touch. He's become so used to it, both of them so free and giving with their affection that it's second nature. And it's only now, while he's wrapped up in Liam's body, feeling Liam pressed against him from head to foot, that he realises how much he needs it.

"Morning." Liam's voice is gravelly and rough, making Zayn grin into his pillow.

"Hungover?" Zayn murmurs, keeping his voice low and smooth. His hand brushes down against Liam's on his hip, their fingers tangling easily. So fucking easily.

"I'm never drinking again," Liam mutters, his lips brushing over Zayn's skin and his fingers jerk involuntarily against Liam's. "S'Louis' fault."

"It always is, babe," Zayn says, trying for sympathetic but there's a sharpness to his tone that he can't quite mask. Liam's hand slides across Zayn's skin to his belly as he cuddles closer, pressing against Zayn and making a noise of approval that has Zayn sighing into his touch in relief because maybe _his_ Liam is back now. "We've got a free day. You wanna stay here and watch some films?"

Liam agrees easily and quickly, but neither of them move. In fact, they don't move until they hear Niall knocking on the door yelling that he's bored and Harry and Louis won't get out of bed, the lazy fuckers.

Zayn lets him in with a pouting glare and heads for the shower, humming quietly to himself as he steps under the spray. He's still humming when he's dressed and patting Liam's arse as they cross paths to change rooms and Zayn cuddles up to Niall, ruffling his hair as Niall continues to grumble about terrible, hungover bandmates. It takes Zayn ordering breakfast (his and Liam's first, Niall's second) and putting on the football highlights to cheer Niall up and by the time Louis and Harry stumble into their room, looking like shit and whinging loudly about how bright it is and how loud everything is, Liam's cuddled up to Zayn on their bed with Niall lying on his front at their feet, leaving the other bed for Harry and Louis to fall into, arms everywhere it seems like it always does with those two.

It's one of the best days Zayn's had in a while, just sitting here with his mates with no responsibilities and no craziness to exhaust them. It feels like the first time in ages that he's really had Liam to himself, which he knows is crazy because they've been surrounded all day, and besides, Liam's _with_ him every day. He falls asleep on Liam's shoulder, Liam’s arm wrapped around Zayn's waist and his hand curling into Zayn's side.

He wakes to Liam stroking his face, quiet and careful and Zayn drags him into his embrace, smiling as he hears Liam's laughter muffled against Zayn's chest as they take their time to settle into each other.

"Alright, babe?" Zayn murmurs quietly, his hand resting in Liam's hair. He holds his breath as Liam sighs quietly, the soft exhale of air tickling his skin.

"Yeah, fine," Liam says too brightly.

Zayn’s mood drops immediately and he feels like screaming. He's not much of a screamer to be honest, not since he outgrew it at the age of six, but right now, he wants to scream. He wants to scream at Liam to just _talk_ to him, to talk to _him_ and not Louis.

But of course he doesn't. He chokes it back as he gives Liam a tight squeeze before he slides out of bed, determinedly ignoring Liam's whine of dissatisfaction as he closes the bathroom door behind him and locks it, childishly pleased when the lock sounds loudly into the silence. He grabs the counter and stares into the mirror, trying to control his shaky breathing as he drags air into his lungs and exhales loudly. His knuckles are white on the counter and his mouth is drawn tight and he just wants to hit something.

He breathes in and out slowly until his grip loosens and his mouth relaxes. He pushes away from the counter and steps into the shower, taking his time and letting the hot spray of the shower washes away his mood. It almost works, right up until he steps out of the bathroom to find Louis sprawled over his bed. Over his and Liam's bed, where they sleep side by side and Zayn snaps. He gets dressed, ignores Louis completely and all he hears as the door slams behind him is Liam calling out his name, sounding confused.

He storms down the hallway and into the elevator. When he steps out, he sees Niall who gives him a wave and a weird look. Great. Zayn stalks over to him, pressing into his side as Niall's arm comes around him. Niall's arm is too skinny, too low and doesn't squeeze him just right, but it's fine because it's Niall and Niall whispers to Zayn sometimes when he's scared and Zayn whispers to Niall sometimes when he's homesick.

"You coming to play golf then?" Niall asks, amused.

Zayn pulls a face because he really, _really_ doesn't want to play golf, but he wants to stay around the hotel even less. He definitely doesn't want to run into Louis and Liam and listen to the two of them whispering and sharing secrets that don't include him is absolutely something he doesn't want to do right now, so he nods and ignores Niall's laughter as he's tugged towards the car and they're off to play golf then, apparently.

Four hours later, and Zayn's mood hasn't improved one bit. Niall sent him off the course around the seventh hole, ordering him to go wait at the clubhouse and Zayn's nursed his way through three beers and five phone calls home, none of which have lifted him out of his temper.

"Not sure you should have had those drinks mate when we've got promos this afternoon," Niall says in the car, nudging him gently. He changed back at the golf club Zayn realises idly because they're picking the boys up at the hotel and heading straight to the venue that’s been hired out for a few more promos.

Zayn steadfastly ignores him and stares out of the window, his head a bit foggy and his thoughts running a bit slow, but he's _fine._ Well, he thinks he's fine right up to the point that Harry, Louis and Liam bundle into the car and he sees Louis' arm curl around Liam's waist as they sit down. His eyes narrow and he turns to stare even harder out of the window. He doesn't _care_ that Louis' had his hand around Liam's waist a hundred times before and it's never bothered Zayn in the past. Today, it's pissing him off and when Liam's hand rests on his shoulder through the headrests and he asks if Zayn's okay, Zayn's only reply is a short, sharp _fine_ and the faintest jerk of his shoulder that has Liam's hand slipping away.

His mood worsens every time he hears Liam's laugh because he knows Louis' responsible. Louis' making Liam happy and being his confidante and Zayn feels lost because that's always been _his_ role. He's lost and a tiny bit drunk and luckily he's never required to say much in these things because what he does manage to say comes out unslurred, so it's _fine_.

It's fine when Harry's arm reaches casually around the sofa to stroke Zayn's neck, a silent question that Zayn ignores. It's fine when Louis' laugh grates against his frayed nerves and it's fine when Niall's knee nudges his, another silent question ignored. It's fine when three hours pass and Liam's not said a word to him or even noticed that Zayn's pissed.

When Liam's arm slides around him as they trudge back to the car for another trip back to the hotel, Zayn shrugs him off and speeds up a little, falling into step with a bemused Harry.

"You wanna tell me what's up your arse?" Harry asks, charming as ever.

Zayn grunts and Harry bumps his hip against Zayn's in response and when they get to the car, Harry pulls him into the back, shoving him into the corner and giving him an excuse to rest his head against the window and close his eyes, shutting everything out because sometimes Harry is great. Back at the hotel, he's the last to slip out of the car and he's not surprised to see Liam and Louis heading off together. He mutters something about needing alone time to Niall and Harry before he takes the elevator to his floor alone and heads straight for the minibar. He only manages a mouthful of something foul before the door opens and Liam steps inside, freezing when he sees Zayn glaring up at him from their bed. From _his_ bed, he corrects himself irritably.

"Zayn?" Liam's voice is soft and careful. Zayn's mouth tightens and he stares at his drink because if he looks up ... well, he just really doesn't want to look up, is all.

"Zayn, you alright mate?" Liam asks, and he's reaching out to stroke Zayn's cheek. Zayn flinches away from the contact, unable to tolerate Liam’s touch right now when he's angry, and he's not even sure he can remember exactly why he's so heated but he just knows he doesn't want Liam to be anywhere near him right now.

It's a weird feeling and he feels a bit sick, but he backs away all the same, climbing off the bed and putting some much needed space between them.

"Zayn?" Liam's voice sounds a lot less certain and a bit quivery and it shoots straight through Zayn's heart. "Zayn, what the hell is wrong?"

He puts his drink down careful, noting that his hand stays steady when inside he's trembling. He knows he's got a hot temper but it's so rarely ignited that he still has trouble controlling it, but he tries all the same because it's still _Liam_. "Nothing's wrong, Liam," he says, low and tight.

Liam just looks horribly confused and Zayn hates himself just a little for it.

"Zaynie, come on," Liam pleads softly, taking a step towards Zayn that has Zayn throwing his hands up as if to stop him. Liam pauses, staring at Zayn's hands before he backs away, one step then another until they're on opposite sides of their hotel room. "Please, just tell me what's wrong. This isn't like you, mate."

"How'd you know?" Zayn says too bitterly because he doesn't even mean what he's saying, but the words spill out of his mouth anyway. He sees Liam's head snap up, eyes narrowing and his whole body tensing. Good, Zayn tells himself. He can fight with _this_ Liam.

"What the hell is _that_ meant to mean?" Liam asks, his voice dropping until it's almost a growl. When he steps forward this time, Zayn's chin lifts and he stays where he is, no longer backing away because he's pissed and he's hurt and Liam's his best mate.

"It means why don't you go hang out with Louis some more?" Zayn snaps loudly, his fists clenching as he steps forward, a challenge of sorts that Liam's widening eyes and his jerky movement towards Zayn seems to accept.

"What's Lou got to do with anything?" Liam asks and it's half-yelling, half-bitten off and Zayn wants to just shove him hard. Push him away and keep pushing until Liam backs the hell off.

"Everything!" Zayn yells back and all he can hear is the rush of blood in his ears and all he can see is the way Liam's biting on his bottom lip like he's trying to hold something back and Zayn's not interested in restraint right now. "It's like you don't even remember I exist anymore. I'm meant to be your best mate, Liam. Your best mate! But you're always whispering with Louis, telling him your secrets and shutting me out!"

"I'm not shutting you out!" Liam shouts as he shoves a hand through his hair. "Louis understands, alright? He's got a girlfriend, he just gets it. You're not the only mate I have, Zayn, stop being such a fucking jealous twat!"

"I'm not jealous!" Zayn bites out, reaching out to grab Liam's shirt and dragging him in closer. "I'm hurt, you wanker! There's a fucking difference!"

"You're acting like a fucking child and you're jealous!" Liam counters heatedly, his hands grabbing Zayn's arms, his fingers biting into Zayn's skin until he hisses, but Liam doesn't loosen his grip. He's breathing hard and his eyes are flashing, his skin flushed and his lips pink and slick, and Zayn can't stop fucking staring at them.

"I'm not jealous," Zayn bites off, dragging his gaze up to Liam's eyes and glaring at him, hating him a little for the dumb accusation. "You're shutting me out and I fucking hate it."

"I'm not shutting you out!" Liam argues, shaking Zayn a little and Zayn's grip on Liam's shirt tightens, forcing Liam forward until they're pressed up against each other and he can feel Liam shaking, can feel the anger and confusion rolling through his body.

"You are!" Zayn's voice drops to a whisper. "You fucking are, you're pushing me away and I hate it, I fucking hate it because we're us and you're not supposed to ... you're my ..."

Frustrated and tongue-tied, Zayn does the only thing he can think of in that moment and he surges forward, pressing his lips against Liam's.

The last thing he expects Liam to do is kiss him back.

His heart pounding, Zayn pushes up to press Liam back like he's daring Liam to back away but Liam's hands slide down from his arms to grip his hips and he stumbles back, lips still locked as Liam pulls him back until Liam’s back slams against the wall and Zayn slots between his legs, rocking his hips up against Liam helplessly as his tongue slides against Liam's, desperate and hot and wet. His grip on Liam's shirt loosens as he reaches up to cup Liam's face, thumbs dragging across his scratchy jaw as he tries to get closer, tries to get _more_.

He can feel Liam's body underneath his, his chest heaving like he's struggling for air and Zayn is too but he can't move away and he really, really can't stop kissing Liam.

Zayn kisses him until his lips feel bruised, kisses him hard and fierce until he can barely breathe, pulling back to stare at Liam, at his _best mate_ , looking shocked and confused, but his lips are pink and swollen and slick and he's staring at Zayn's mouth and his hands don't move away from where they're clutching onto Zayn's hips like that's what's keeping him steady.

Zayn's desperately trying not to notice how fucking hard he is, or how Liam's erection is pressing against his hip. But he doesn't move away. _Can't_ move away.

He hears Liam swear, low and wrecked and it sends a shiver through him. Then Liam's leaning in to kiss him and Zayn meets him halfway and it's softer, Liam's thumbs slipping under his shirt to draw circles into his skin, Zayn's hands gentle on Liam's face as he licks at Liam's mouth, drawing a muffled, hoarse groan from his lips that has Zayn whimpering in response.

It's slow and it's careful and Zayn can feel himself breaking apart, just a little.

Liam's rocking his hips gently against his and Zayn's not even sure he's aware that he's doing it but it's driving him crazy. It’s not like Zayn has a fucking clue what the fuck they're doing either.

He breaks the kiss, dropping his head onto Liam's shoulder and they just breathe together, harsh and loud in the silence of their room as they drag air into their lungs and Zayn frantically tries to get control of his own body, still pressed up against Liam's like it knows what it wants, even while Zayn's trying to find the strength to pull away.

When he does, finally, he avoids Liam's gaze and grabs his cigarettes and lighter from the table. Without a word, he heads out of the room and into the hallway, making his way to the fire exit and lighting up with trembling hands. The first drag doesn't soothe his wrecked nerves. The second drag doesn't erase the memory of Liam's face, aroused and staring at Zayn like he fucking _needs_ him. The third drag doesn't make him forget the feel of Liam's body pressed up against his, hard and firm and solid.

By the time he's down the filter, stubbing it out and throwing it into the bin, Zayn's no closer to understanding what the fuck just happened or what the hell he's going to do now.

They've kissed before, just as a joke a few years back when they were playfighting and Liam was straddling his hips, trying to pin him. He'd ducked down and pressed his lips against Zayn's, giggling the entire time as he lifted his head and grinning victoriously. Zayn remembered being surprised, because Liam was still a little nervous about showing his affection but Zayn had just given him a gentle shove before he twisted so they both ended up on the floor, arms and legs tangled easily around each other and that had been that, really.

This kiss was nothing like that playful little show of affection. For a start, he hadn't had his tongue shoved into Liam's mouth and secondly, he hadn't been hard as fuck last time. And neither had Liam, Zayn's pretty sure.

Confused and still a bit aroused, Zayn heads back to the room to talk to Liam because it's still Liam and they've done tons of stupid shit and it's never come between them before. And okay, having their first row and ending it with a hot and heavy make-out session probably tops everything else they've ever been through, but it's _Liam_. He knows they can figure this out.

Except the room's empty when he walks in. And it's not just Liam who's gone. All his things are gone too.

Zayn sinks onto his bed, _their_ bed, drops his head into his hands and feels a bit like crying.

*

He wakes up alone and tired and aching all over. It takes a second for everything to come back to him but when it does, he buries his head in his pillow and groans. He knows he’s fucked everything up. He tries not to think about it while he showers quickly and packs in record time because they're flying home for a few days before they head to the US for their dates at Madison Square Garden.

He doesn't see Liam until he climbs into the car but Liam's got his head turned away, tucked up next to Niall in the back and Zayn can't do anything without making a scene. Niall shoots him a confused smile and Zayn figures Liam crashed in his room last night but probably didn't say a word to Niall and Niall's not one to pry. Sighing, Zayn rests his head against the window and pretends to fall asleep.

The airport is just as bad, and for the first time ever, Zayn sits next to Harry on the flight back, who keeps looking at him like he's trying to work something out but Zayn blocks him out, closes his eyes and pretends like none of this is happening.

When they land and make it through customs, he hugs everyone goodbye, leaving Liam until last. He hesitates before he realises he's being stupid and grabs Liam fiercely, staring at him for a second before he drags him into a hug. Liam's arms are vice-like around him and neither of them move to let go.

Zayn hears a discreet cough and he reluctantly pulls back, his hand sliding up to cup the back of Liam's head as he stares at him. "I'll see you in a few days, yeah?"

Liam nods, ducking his head slightly.

"I'll miss you babe," Zayn says quietly before he pulls away and if Liam says anything, he can't hear him as he heads for his car, throwing his bag in the boot before he slides into the backseat and lets out the breath he's been unconsciously holding.

He's relieved to be home and he's grateful to sink in obscurity for a few days, working out his frustrations in graffiti until he realises that he's painted five different versions of Liam against his walls and a particularly detailed graffiti of Liam's lips, wet and kiss-bruised. He leaves them up for an entire day, just sitting with his back against the wall and staring at them, like they'll give him some answers to what happened or what any of it means.

The day before they're due to fly out to New York, Zayn covers the entire room in whitewash, leaving it clean and wiped free.

He barely sleeps that night.

*

Zayn sleepwalks his way through the day, through being picked up and checking in at the airport, through boarding and through the entire flight. He's so tired he barely remembers seeing the boys, let alone talking to them.

So it's not until that evening, when he feels vaguely human again and Paul's gathered them together to discuss what they'll be doing for the next week, that he really pays any attention to anything.

"Hi," Harry leans into him and whispers into his ear. "Finally with us then?"

"Sorry, was shattered," Zayn mumbles, leaning into Harry as well, his arm slipping around Harry's waist. "Did I miss anything?"

"Just Paul being his usual dictator self," Harry whispers back with a wink and a grin. "Did you and Liam sort your shit out?"

Zayn jerks against him, his eyebrows knitting as he stares at Harry. "What?" he asks, carefully keeping his voice low, wondering what Harry knows. He glances quickly over at Liam, who's listening intently to Paul and steadfastly ignoring Niall and Louis playing slaps behind his back as he leans forward, elbows on his knees.

"Whatever was up with you before the break," Harry says, knocking his knee against Zayn's.

Zayn drags his gaze away from Liam, frowning as he looks at Harry. "Nothing was wrong," he mutters, annoyed.

"Yeah, alright," Harry says easily, clearly not believing him for a second. "He's back with Dani, you know."

Zayn stares at Harry as the words echo through his blank mind. He blinks slowly before he leans in closer. "What?"

"Liam. He got back with Dani over the break," Harry says, his hand moving to rest on Zayn's thigh and squeezing gently. Zayn's not sure if Harry's being overly insightful or just handsy because sometimes it's hard to tell, but he covers Harry's hand with his own, grasping for some kind of anchor. "Said he'd been thinking about it for a while and he saw her and they just decided to try and make it work."

Zayn's having problems breathing and he's not sure why. His chest hurts and he feels a bit raw as he stares down at the floor, dragging air roughly into his lungs. It's not like it matters to him who Liam's dating, he tells himself firmly, even as his hands tremble and his head is throbbing.

Except he can see Harry wincing and he realises his hand is squeezing Harry's too hard and he lets go with a muttered apology.

_Shit._

Harry gives him a sympathetic look as he rubs his hand, probably trying to find some circulation again. He leans in, resting his chin on Zayn's shoulder and he's so close, his breathing tickles against Zayn's ear. "I don't think it's going to work, to be honest mate. Think he's just lonely and scared of being alone, or something. You know Liam."

Zayn's gaze wanders over to Liam again, to find him staring back at him. Liam's smile is tentative and questioning, but Zayn can't return it. He drops his gaze and closes his eyes, praying for the day to be over.

Except of course he's sharing with Liam because they've roomed together for three years. He dumps his bag in the middle of the room, not bothering to unpack or even pick a bed, grabs his cigarettes and heads outside for a smoke. He's still there, shivering because it's December and it's fucking freezing and his leather jacket is not warm enough for this shitty weather, when Niall finds him.

"You avoiding us?" Niall asks, direct as always.

Zayn huffs out a laugh as he stubs out his third cigarette. He feels a bit sick to be honest, so he's grateful that he can reach out to tickle Niall, his laugh a balm for Zayn's ragged soul. "Nah, course not. You wanna go out and get something to eat?"

"Like, out out?" Niall asks, lowering his voice like they're discussing robbing banks instead of leaving the hotel for food.

"Yeah Niall, _out_ out," Zayn says, smiling as he reaches for Niall's hand and guides him back into the lobby. "Let's go get some authentic New York food."

"Just the two of us?" Niall asks again, his tone strangely hopeful and Zayn just wants to hug him close.

"Just the two of us," Zayn whispers like it's a secret. Niall's face lights up and after a pleading phone call to Paul, they're heading out, surrounded by three completely conspicuous bodyguards.

It's easy to forget about everything when he's with Niall. It's easy to focus on Niall and hear about what's going on with him. It's easy to laugh when Niall shoves too much food into his mouth.

It's easy to stumble into his room past midnight, stripping off his clothes and slipping into bed, deliberately choosing the empty one in the room and it's easy to close his eyes and pretend that he's anywhere but in a hotel room with a boy he can't stop thinking about, a boy who he knows and loves better than anyone else in the world, a boy he wants to kiss over and over until he can't think anymore.

*

Avoiding Liam is so easy when Zayn knows him as well as he does. He knows what time Liam gets up like clockwork to go to the gym. He knows how Liam likes to stay in their room for twenty minutes calming himself down before they go to rehearsals. He knows Liam likes to eat lunch away from their rehearsing area and he knows Liam likes to eat late, so he can fit in another training session or a quick swim, whatever he's got time for. So even though Zayn spends the entire week with Liam and sleeps in the same room as him, avoiding him is ridiculously easy.

It's harder when they're on stage, pretending everything's fine and Zayn has to endure Liam looking at him like he's confused and worried and hurt. Zayn has to look away because it's too much, and it's not even his fault. He's not the one who got back with his ex-girlfriend after a pretty full-on snogging session with his best mate. Liam's looking at him like this is all his fault and it's not. Maybe he kissed Liam first, but Liam kissed him back and then decided to get back with his girlfriend without even talking to Zayn about what happened, and that makes it at least as much Liam's fault as his, in Zayn's book.

It's harder when Dani joins them and Zayn has to watch Liam holding her hand, whispering secrets, making her laugh and kissing her. He sleeps in longer, stays up later and spends more time outside smoking than is healthy for his voice. He's got too much energy and no release. He talks Louis into getting another tattoo and he gets the MSG date tattooed into his skin, because the tattoo he really wants to get would be impossible.

Zayn takes the first available flight home alone and spends the entire time gripping the armrests, his heart racing as he stares out of the window into the clouds.

He hibernates at home. A text for Louis on his birthday, Christmas at home with his family and New Year with Danny and Ant. He doesn't hear anything from Liam and it's the longest they've ever gone without talking.

Zayn misses him more than he thought possible.

Parts of Liam keep appearing in his graffiti room and every few days, he wipes it clean.

His birthday passes quietly with texts from all the boys, even a short but infinitely Liam-crafted text that just reads _Happy Birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!_

It makes him smile every time he reads it.

*

As usual, he's half asleep at the airport when they're due to fly to Japan. He blames his barely conscious state on why when he stumbles into the waiting lounge, it's instinct that has him falling into the seat next to Liam and dropping his head onto Liam's broad shoulder. He fidgets around a bit, uncomfortable in a way he never is when he leans on Liam and without thinking, he pokes Liam in the side and makes a grumbling sound.

Liam's body relaxes and his arm curls around Zayn's shoulder, softening until Zayn mumbles in approval.

"Hey," Liam whispers cautiously.

Zayn turns his head and presses his lips against Liam's exposed collarbone underneath his hoodie. "Missed you."

"Me too," Liam says on a long, drawn out sigh and Zayn's hand twists itself into Liam's hoodie, holding on tight as he drifts off into a light sleep.

He's somewhat aware of being dragged onto the plane and Liam's hand slotting into his for takeoff. He unashamedly holds on tight and doesn't let go, even when the flight levels out. He holds on when Liam asks for a coke from the attendant and his grip doesn't falter when they both put on movies, fumbling around to put blankets over both of them while Zayn refuses to let go of Liam's hand, not now that he's got hold of it. And it's not as if Liam's desperately trying to pull away either, Zayn realises when he glances over at Liam, both of them wearing their headsets as their movies start.

It's moments like this that ground him, which is ironic since they're flying hundreds of miles in the air. Moments when it's just the two of them, no matter who else is around, and he can forget about Dani and their argument and the fact that they haven't spoken in a month.

It's moments like this that terrify him, when he can't let go of Liam, can't stop his heart beating that much faster when Liam's near. Moments when he just wants it to be the two of them and for Liam to look at him like he wants Zayn the way Zayn wants Liam. Christ, he _wants_ him. He wants Liam pressed up against him. He wants Liam's lips slick and parted as he tries to catch his breath, breath that Zayn's stolen from him in long, drugging kisses. He just _wants_.

By the time their movies end, Liam's half asleep on Zayn's shoulder.

"Babe?" Zayn nudges Liam gently, taking off his headset. He blinks and lifts his head, looking adorably dopey. "Babe, tell me about your Christmas, yeah?"

Liam blinks at him a few more times before he shifts, laying his head back against the seat and turning so that his whole body is curled towards Zayn, taking off his own headset. Their fingers still interlocked, Zayn listens as Liam tells him, in minute detail that makes Zayn so damn fond as a smile plays on his lips, all about his Christmas break.

Neither of them mention Dani.

By the time they land, Zayn's back where he wants to be, tucked into Liam's side. And he doesn't leave, not during their greeting or when they eventually get to the car or when they arrive at the hotel. And when they get to their room, Liam's tugging him in for a proper hug and Zayn buries his head into Liam's shirt, breathing him in as they lock together.

"We're okay, aren't we?" Liam asks eventually, his hand stroking down Zayn's back as he leans into it.

"Yeah," Zayn says firmly, and maybe it's only a half-lie.

It's easy for them to fall back into being Liam and Zayn in Japan. Too easy, Zayn thinks as he lies in bed the night before they're due to fly home, Liam's arm wrapped around him. There's still a weight between them, a tension they're refusing to acknowledge. Zayn feels it in every conversation they have. It's there every time Liam slings his arm casually around Zayn and pulls him into his body. He can all but taste it every night when they fall asleep together.

Liam's breath tickles his skin as he sleeps, while Zayn's wide awake. He's too hot. He's too hot and too overwhelmed and too restless to sleep.

He slips out of bed, away from Liam's touch and grabs his cigarettes, heading out onto the balcony. He taps out a cigarette and lights up, the first inhale rough and coarse in his throat. Eventually his mind clears and he stares out into the busy, bright lights surrounding them, listening to the cars below and the wave of early morning noise that hits him. He wonders when it'll happen, when one of them will want to talk about what happened in that hotel room and why it happened and what the hell any of it means.

Zayn stubs the cigarette out, rubbing his hands together as he slips back into the darkened hotel room. He slides back into bed, wincing as he cuddles up to Liam in search of warmth.

"Alright?" Liam whispers, eyes still closed and his voice thick with sleep.

"Yeah, m'alright," Zayn answers quietly, running his hand down Liam's arm and curling his hand around Liam's waist. He keeps a careful distance between their bodies, a habit he's slowly developing for self-preservation. "Go back to sleep, babe."

Liam mumbles something into his pillow that Zayn can't hear. It takes forever for him to fall asleep.

*

Zayn mostly sleeps through tour rehearsals.

*

The first night of their tour is crazy, Zayn thinks as he stares out from the O2 stage at their screaming fans. He can barely hear the boys even through their microphone set up. Nothing in their rehearsals prepared them for this volume of noise. Not that Zayn can remember much from rehearsals, relying on the rest of the boys to guide him around until it seeps into his psyche and becomes second nature. He spends most of the concert quietly taking everything in, between verses and harmonies and Louis and Liam passing him around the stage to where he's meant to be. It's a bit of a shambles, but that's what they do and the crowd seems to love it anyway which is the important thing Zayn thinks as he lifts his microphone to sing his verse of Little Things as Louis wiggles around next to him on the steps.

He watches the boys bounce around stage like excited children, laughing quietly when Niall sprints across the stage as he keeps a careful eye on Niall's knees. They're holding up, Zayn thinks, but they won't last the entire tour if Niall's not careful. He makes a mental note to remind Niall to take it a bit easier tomorrow.

Louis gets this look on his face sometimes when he looks out at the crowd. He looks soft and younger, and Zayn gravitates towards him when he catches it, his arm reaching out to touch Louis, to remind him where they are.

Harry bounds around stage, the crowd stealing his nerves away as he loses himself in the cheers. Zayn slings his arm around Harry when he can catch him, tugs him close to ground Harry and lift himself so they're on equal footing.

With Liam, as usual, it's different. With Liam, it's a shared grin of disbelief that this is actually their life right now. It's small touches to remind themselves that this is real, that this is happening for both of them. Zayn just wants to experience every moment with his best mate, with Liam, and share every emotion he's feeling right this second; the fear, the amazement, the worry, the wonder and above all, the overwhelming love he's feeling right now. He moves across the stage, his arm reaching for Liam as Liam's already reaching back while they sing together, a perfect harmony they've never even had to practice together. His head falls to Liam's shoulder naturally and Liam's arm slips down, cradling his waist and squeezing gently. Zayn stares out into the crowd and not for the first time wonders what he did to deserve this life. These friends. Liam.

When he feels Liam stiffen against him, his hand dropping from Zayn's side and leaving him feeling horribly cold, Zayn looks across at Liam with a frown, but Liam's not looking at him. His gaze is drawn to the side of the stage, and his smile is bright and beautiful. Zayn knows who's standing there without even looking. He steps away as naturally as he can manage, heading for the other side of the stage. He feels a bit sick and his hand is clenched too tightly around his microphone, but he gets through the rest of the song without a hitch. And the next. He keeps a careful distance from Liam and spends most of his time near the back of the stage, out of everyone's way and probably messing up the entire choreography, or what there is of it anyway. He doesn't lean into Liam when they take their final bow and he's the first off stage when they're finished for the night.

Over the next few days, Liam keeps giving him those sad, confused looks but Zayn’s determined to ignore them. If Liam doesn’t want to discuss their kiss, then that’s fine with him because he’s not overly keen on dissecting and analysing his own behaviour or how he feels about the whole thing, really. He spends most days trying to forget the way Liam’s body felt, firm and broad against his own smaller frame, or how Liam’s hands, stronger and bigger than he’s used to, felt when they gripped Zayn’s arm or his waist when they kissed, pulling him closer. He’s used to being manhandled and touched by Liam, of course he is, but there was something different about his touch that night. Something more possessive.

But he doesn’t want to think about it because Liam’s his best mate and Liam has a girlfriend who keeps coming to their gigs and the stupid whole situation is driving Zayn crazy because he’s not meant to feel this way about Liam. He’s not meant to want him the way he does. He’s definitely not meant to want to stick his tongue in Liam’s mouth or have repeated thoughts and dreams about Liam being on his knees, staring up at Zayn while his hands fumble as he tries to tug down Zayn’s jeans.

But as usual, what Zayn wants and what he ends up with are two completely different things. They’ve spent two weeks on tour, pretending that everything’s fine and they’re as close as ever. The boys see them laughing and teasing each other, Zayn still defends Liam when the boys get too overwhelming with him and Liam still acts like Zayn is the most wonderful human being on the planet, which Zayn has never understood and always feels embarrassed by, but the way Liam looks when he’s telling anyone who’ll listen about how great Zayn is makes him smile and want to cuddle him close. But they don’t talk, really. Most of the time they sit together, legs nudged together but no words passing between them. It’s better than not spending any time together but there’s still too much between them that they’re not talking about and Zayn’s almost at the end of his patience.

By the time they hit Dublin, Zayn’s about ready to explode. Niall’s hyped up of course, racing around and talking non-stop about how great everything is and this’ll be their best concert ever and he hopes he doesn’t cry onstage and, well, Zayn’s just exhausted. He can tell Louis is getting there too while Harry mostly ignores all of them and of course there’s Liam, listening intently to everything Niall’s saying and nodding and bouncing along with him.

He slips out as soon as he can, finding a quiet spot where he can just light up and be alone for a second. Except a second is all he gets, it’s all he ever seems to get, because Louis appears at his shoulder, hands shoved in the pockets of his joggers as he stares up at Zayn.

“What’s up with you and Liam then?” he asks bluntly.

Zayn breathes out slowly, watching as the smoke curls before it fades away. Perhaps it’s time, he thinks. Time to talk to someone. “Nothing to worry about,” he says carefully. “Maybe we’ve just spent too much time together or something.”

He can see Louis frowning at him. “It’s never happened before,” Louis says finally, drawing the words out like he’s thinking as he’s speaking. “Perhaps you should talk to him about it before it becomes an actual issue.”

The last thing Zayn wants to do is talk to Liam. He especially doesn’t want to talk to Liam about how he can’t stop thinking about kissing him or what that means. He doesn’t want to talk to Liam only to have him confirm that he’s not interested in repeating that kiss, that he loves his girlfriend and how Zayn’s just his best mate.

Except then Louis says, “They’re on another break you know. Him and Dani. Second time since the tour started.”

Then he’s gone before Zayn can ask him what the hell he’s talking about or what any of it fucking _means_.

His head is all over the place, and chain smoking two more cigarettes doesn’t help. All he can think about is Liam and Dani being on a break and Liam not sharing that vital piece of information. Best mates talk about this shit, Zayn thinks angrily as he stubs out his last cigarette and heads back inside. He aims straight for Niall, snuggling into his side while he quietly fumes, his mood not even improved when Niall pets his hair and tells him filthy jokes to amuse them both while they run through soundcheck. Before the show, he spends too long in hair with Lou and picking out clothes with Caroline so that he’s kept busy right up to stage time. They have their huddle, and Zayn carefully sneaks in between Harry and Louis, his hands curling around both their waists before they do their traditional hands in and Harry sings some dumb song that’s always meant to get them raring to go, but it usually ends with Zayn wondering how Harry even exists sometimes.

Onstage, he does his best to smile and pretend everything’s fine. He shoves Louis a few times, which cheers him up a little even as Louis’ eyes promise retribution and he watches Niall race around, yelling and cheering and generally being an adorable pest.

When Liam dances towards him, Zayn’s smile tightens but it stays in place. He sees Liam falter slightly and he reaches out to pull Liam in because that’s what they do. It’s expected. But if his fingers dig into Liam’s skin harder than usual, Liam doesn’t make a sound. And if Zayn’s eyes are blazing with something like anger, building each time he watches Liam sing, at the way he tips his head back and opens up his throat, at the way his chest broadens and his hand goes towards his belly like he’s about to explode and trying desperately to contain himself, then Liam doesn’t mention it.

Zayn’s aware though that Liam’s getting more tense throughout the concert. Louis’ throwing Zayn concerned looks that Zayn determinedly ignores, choosing to watch the way Liam’s leg is bouncing uncontrollably as they sing Summer Love. He starts counting the amount of times Liam glances over at him. He loses track somewhere in the 50s.

“What’s up with Liam?” Harry asks him during their Twitter questions, leaning in close to be heard. Liam’s fidgeting more than usual, seemingly unable to stay in one place as they answer the same old questions.

“Dunno,” Zayn lies convincingly. “I’ll talk to him after the show. He’s probably just missing Dani or something.”

Harry nods like Zayn’s making sense and Zayn has the inexplicable urge to scream. But he can’t, so he turns away, slinging his arm around Liam instead and pinning him to his side, his arm heavy over Liam’s shoulders. He feels Liam tense beside him, before he melts into Zayn and Zayn’s urge to scream intensifies.

“Alright babe?” Zayn murmurs. He sees Liam nod once as his hand reaches up to grab Zayn’s where it hangs over his shoulder. Liam’s grip is firmer than usual and Zayn barely manages to stop himself wincing in pain.

“You going out after the show?” Liam asks as Louis makes the crowd laugh with his answer. Zayn’s been out a few times after their shows, some kind of self-preservation instinct kicking in every time Liam had called Dani from the backstage area or she’d shown up to a concert.

“Not tonight,” Zayn says, his fingers flexing in Liam’s tight grip. “Thought I’d stay in. Get pizza or something delivered to the room.”

He feels Liam exhale a long breath before he’s turning to Zayn, a brilliant smile on his face that causes his eyes to crinkle and all but disappear. “Sounds like fun. Just the two of us, yeah?”

Zayn nods, his mouth suddenly dry as Niall’s hand curves around his arm and he’s being asked what his favourite song is. He gives Niall an awkward smile and does his best to answer, trying to focus on now rather than what sounds suspiciously like a date in their hotel room later.

Another two hours and eight minutes. Not that he’s counting.

The rest of the show rumbles on. Liam misses his cue because he's staring at Zayn and Zayn almost falls over Niall because he’s looking across the stage for Liam, but they manage to get through it. They bundle offstage together, dragging Niall with them because otherwise he’d stay up there forever.

“Best concert in the world!” Niall proclaims loudly, even while Harry’s tickling him and Louis’ giving them both a shove that nearly sends them sprawling.

“Yeah, I think it was Nialler,” Liam says loyally as he moves closer into Zayn’s side. The need to get his hands on Liam is too natural to ignore, so he slips his hand into Liam’s and they link together, both of them squeezing tightly.

They bundle into the car in a heap, Zayn tugging Liam in next to him as Liam grins at him and Zayn feels his anger fade away. Maybe they can just do this, he thinks hopefully. Maybe they can just go to their room, order pizza and watch a lame movie and drift off to sleep together, like they used to. Maybe everything will go back to normal.

It’s a foolish thought, but Zayn clings to it for the rest of the car journey, his thumb brushing idle patterns into Liam’s warm palm.

He's got a hundred excuses ready but as it turns out, the lads all scatter, Louis sending him a warning look over his shoulder as he pushes Niall and Harry towards the bar, leaving Liam and Zayn free to head up to their room alone. They're still holding hands but somewhere between the hotel lobby and Liam fumbling for their hotel keycard, it's become awkward. Zayn slips his hand free, giving Liam a small smile that Liam seems to accept as he focuses on getting the door open.

The awkwardness doesn't leave when they're in the room, leaving Zayn pacing the room while Liam perches on the bed, looking a bit miserable.

"We should probably talk," Liam says finally, sounding like he'd rather do anything _but_ talk.

"About what?" Zayn says, feeling contrary and returning Liam's sharp look.

"About why everything's so _weird_ between us," Liam answers, his tone prickly.

It makes Zayn tense up and he pauses his pacing, swinging around to stare at Liam. "Dunno what you're talking about," he says sullenly, because he's still so angry and he's hurt and he wants to piss Liam off a little.

"Stop being a dick," Liam mutters, his chin coming up and his eyes narrowing on Zayn's face. It makes Zayn feel a bit better, if he's being honest. "You know what I'm talking about. When we ... you know. Kissed."

Zayn wants to pretend he can't remember. That's the terrible thing about arguing with someone he knows inside out; he knows just how to wind Liam up to his breaking point. He's never been tempted to before, but now, right this second, he's tempted. He's so fucking _tempted_ to see if he can break Liam the way he's felt broken.

"You mean when we kissed and then you disappeared and got back with your ex-girlfriend?" Zayn asks, dropping his tone to make it sound like he's bored.

Not that Liam looks fooled for one second. "You disappeared first!" he says tightly.

"Maybe," Zayn concedes quietly because it’s true. "But you disappeared all the way back to Dani, so what the hell do you care about some stupid kiss between mates?"

"I don't," Liam insists, glaring at Zayn who feels the air whoosh out of his lungs and he's suddenly having a hard time breathing. "Obviously you do, since you're the one acting weird and avoiding me."

Zayn feels like he's been sucker-punched, bruised all over and hurt. "Why would I care about a dumb, stupid mistake?" he lies, because he can't, he just _can't_ have Liam thinking that it meant anything to him when it clearly didn't to Liam. Like Liam hasn't proved over and over again that the kiss was insignificant to him.

He watches Liam take a step forward, and another before he's pushing Zayn back against the wall, and fuck if this doesn't feel familiar. He wills himself to keep his gaze steady on Liam, to not let his hands tremble or his breathing catch or to give any sign whatsoever that having Liam this close is affecting him at all.

"A dumb, stupid mistake?" Liam repeats, biting off the words quietly as he leans in until Zayn can all but taste the words on his lips.

He doesn't move, doesn't think he _can_ move, but he can feel Liam's hands on his waist. It's familiar and it's different, all at the same time.

Breathing heavily, Zayn stares at Liam until he sees Liam's eyes darken and the way his gaze drops to his mouth. Unable to stop himself, he licks his lips slowly, feeling the way Liam pushes closer, pinning Zayn up against the wall, enclosing him against Liam’s hard body.

"Just ... fuck!" Zayn swears and apparently that's all it takes because Liam's kissing him. Zayn wraps his hands around Liam's neck, dragging him closer and one of them is making a noise, he's not sure who because they're so tightly wound around each other, but he rocks his hips forward, already achingly hard as he feels Liam's dick pressing up back against him. It's just like before, except better somehow. Zayn strokes his tongue into Liam's mouth, needing to taste every part of him in case everything goes to shit again and this is all he can have, all he has to remember.

Liam's grinding his hips against Zayn's, pressing him harder up against the wall and eventually Zayn breaks the kiss, leaning his head back and rocking up into Liam, trying to get all the friction he can manage because it feels fucking amazing and Zayn just wants more of everything. Liam's head drops and Zayn feels his teeth biting into his neck, just above the curve of his shoulder and he shudders, urging Liam on as he buries his fingers into Liam's hair and pushes down gently. Liam's hand slides between them, cupping Zayn's dick in his jeans and Zayn lets out a loud helpless moan, his hips lifting into Liam's touch. He's always loved Liam's hands, the way he can soothe Zayn with just a touch, but he doesn’t want to be soothed right now. He just wants relief as Liam rubs the heel of his hand along Zayn's hard cock, the pressure just enough to have him trembling and gasping as Liam's teeth bite in harder against his skin.

Zayn writhes against him, getting his own hand between them so he can palm Liam through his jeans, his hand moving fast and hard against him because he's desperate to get Liam off, desperate to see him come and watch his face contort with pleasure.

Liam's mouth trails back up Zayn's neck as Zayn's thumb finds Liam's tip and he hears a low, guttural moan against his jaw before Liam's lips fasten onto his. It's wet and sloppy and it's probably the best kiss Zayn’s ever had as he feels Liam dampen against his hand and that's all it takes, a bite of Liam's teeth against his bottom lip as he squeezes Zayn's dick hard, before Zayn comes, hard and fierce and with a loud, hoarse yell, his own hand tightening on Liam's dick helplessly as his orgasm rips through him fierce and almost painful. He vaguely feels Liam pressing in closer against him, hears a whimper in his ear where Liam's head has dropped heavy on his shoulder and his hand is wet, still cupping Liam through his soaked jeans as he feels Liam helplessly shudder against him.

He's still trying to catch his breath when he feels Liam pulling away. He makes no effort to stop him, waiting until he hears the door to their hotel room slowly close before he slides to the floor, his head resting on his arms, crossed over his knees. It's a long, long time before he can stand up, strip and step into the shower to wash Liam's trace off his body.

*

Harry wakes him up in the morning. Zayn surprises them both by not arguing or pleading for another hour. Instead, he drags Harry into bed next to him, under the covers and spoons behind him for a minute, burying his head into Harry's back where he's pressed against his lanky body and breathing him in. It's comfortable. Familiar. How Liam _used_ to feel.

"This is new," Harry says slowly, quietly. "You alright, man?"

Zayn grunts and hopes it's enough of an answer. Harry's long fingers curl around his where they lie against Harry's chest and they stay there for a while, not talking.

When he's finally up and they head downstairs for breakfast, Zayn curled into Harry's side, he's surprised when Liam looks up from the table where he's sat with Louis and Niall, a tentative smile on his face as he nods towards the empty seat next to him. It's not until he's slid into the chair that he realises Liam's wearing his shirt. His heart thuds loud and slow in his chest, his fingers clenching into fists in his lap. Breakfast passes in a blur and it's a good thing the boys are used to him being useless in the mornings and that no one bothers trying to include him in the conversation because he's pretty sure he's incapable of focusing on anything other than what he assumes is Liam's very deliberate choice to put _his_ shirt on that morning. He could have worn his own or any of the other lads, but he's wearing Zayn's like it's some kind of statement and Zayn just wants to drag Liam up to their room and ask him what the hell is going on and maybe kiss him a little again. Maybe get his hands down Liam's jeans this time and touch him because he's not sure he's ever come as hard as he did yesterday, and they didn't even touch each other, not really.

He can't imagine what would happen if he ever put his hands on Liam, and vice versa. Just the thought has his heart rate picking up.

Paul though has different plans. He corrals the boys into a series of meetings about the next stage of the tour that has Zayn zoning out. He spends a lot of those meetings staring at the floor in an attempt to not stare at Liam and wonder what the hell is going on. He focuses so hard on staring at the floor that he drops off to sleep, waking up to find his head resting on Niall's shoulder, his hand around Niall's waist, Niall's arm around his shoulders.

"I dunno how anyone can sleep as much as you, Zee," Niall murmurs, sounding impressed. "These meetin's are pretty borin' though man."

Zayn grins into his shoulder as he launches into a low stream of commentary, from filthy jokes he knows Niall loves to observations about each non-band member in the room. Paul shoots them unimpressed, but unsurprised, glares but Zayn doesn't stop, right up to the moment they're allowed to leave. Niall falls into his side for the rest of the afternoon, Liam disappearing for a training session anyway, so he can't talk to him anyway.

Onstage, Liam can't seem to leave him alone. Every time he turns around, Liam's there, smiling and hopeful, and it's so easy to slip back into being _them_. He tugs Liam in, feels him fold into his side like he's been doing since their first day as a band, before they knew each other or even had a band name or an identity. Every time Zayn hits a note that he's had to work towards, those notes Liam's spent hours helping him perfect, Liam's there next to him or across the stage, grinning and proud, wearing Zayn's shirt and making him feel things he doesn't want to put a name to. But it never fails to make Zayn smile back, warmth flooding through him and making him hold his head that little bit higher.

During their twitter questions, Zayn moves across the stage so he can stand next to Liam, needing to be near him while they're quiet and still, his arm casually draping across Liam's back. When Liam sinks into him, Zayn forgets to breathe for a second and for that second, he _wants_. He daydreams and he _wants_.

Then Niall's coming to them for their answer and Zayn has to quickly glance at the screen and come up with a lame answer.

He's desperate for the show to end, to find Liam and talk to him alone. He races off stage, waving crazily at fans as he disappears behind the set and immediately spins around to find Liam. He waits for a few minutes, already antsy and craving a cigarette to calm his nerves when he finally spots him, arm slung around Louis as they head towards him. Zayn's reaching for Liam just as Liam's reaching into his pocket, pulling out his phone and frowning at it before he glances up to catch Zayn's gaze, just for a second, and Zayn knows who's calling. Liam pulls away from Louis with a quiet word, stepping back and Zayn tugs Louis in, like it was Louis he was reaching for the whole time.

He blocks out Liam's hushed conversation behind him as he pulls Louis forward, frantic to just get the hell out of there.

"Alright mate?" Louis asks quietly, arm slipping into Zayn's as they rush towards the cars.

"Just wanna get back to the hotel," Zayn mutters and Louis nods because he never likes hanging around the venue when he can escape. "Maybe light up."

"You got some stuff?" Louis' eyes light up and Zayn huffs out a laugh as they scramble into the car.

"Yeah man, I got some stuff," Zayn tells him in a whisper because Paul really hates it when they light up. "Let's hit the roof when we get back, yeah?"

If Zayn hides up on the roof with Louis, getting high and not thinking about Liam and his on-off girlfriend, then that's his business and no one else's.

*

He hears from Niall the next morning that Liam and Dani are back together, but from the face Niall pulls, he gets the impression that it's not going well and maybe it won't last. Zayn's hardly surprised because Liam will keep trying, keep beating his head against a brick wall until it falls down, or he does.

When Liam walks into their hotel room fresh from training, throwing his sweaty gym kit in a heap in the corner, Zayn's lying on his bed, eyes closed but not asleep.

"Zayn?" Liam's voice is soft and barely audible. Zayn cracks open an eye to see Liam standing at the end of the bed, looking awkward and sad. He holds out a hand because he fucking hates that look and Liam immediately scrambles up the bed, flopping onto his back as he stretches out against Zayn's side and they both stare up at the ceiling.

"You're back with Dani," Zayn says quietly, careful to keep his voice even and his body relaxed.

He feels Liam sigh next to him. "I've got to try," Liam says, his voice low and strong and Zayn loves him for it, even while he almost hates him. "She's been through everything with me. I've got to try, Zayn."

Zayn lets a beat pass. _"I've_ been through everything with you."

Liam doesn't say anything and Zayn doesn't push it, but everything hurts all the same.

*

The tour progresses to Europe. Zayn still shares a room with Liam and they're still them, but there's a tension between them that never quite goes away, just humming in the background. He spends more time with Louis, and he's aware of the irony but he can't seem to make himself care. Every time Liam's phone rings, Zayn leaves the room or closes his eyes and pretends he can't hear. Every time Dani's name is mentioned, Zayn blocks out the conversation. Every time Liam looks sad and worried, Zayn has to force himself not to reach out for a cuddle because it's too much and he's not sure Liam wants him to anyway.

Zayn spends two months being in Liam's life but not really being his best mate and Zayn's pretty certain it's the worst two months of his entire life. It's worse when they're onstage, hugging and laughing together and doing all the things Zayn wants to do offstage, but he can't because everything's fucked up and they still haven't talked and he's not sure there's anything to talk about now anyway. Liam's kept his own wary distance between them and it's like the kisses never even happened.

So when Liam comes into their room late one evening, looking pale and drawn and fucked, and he all but throws himself into Zayn where he's lying on the bed reading, Zayn's a bit surprised. His arms wrap around Liam because it's still instinctive, even after all this time, but he's confused.

"Babe?" he asks when Liam makes a tiny noise that sounds like a sniffle, his face buried in Zayn's chest. "Liam?"

"S'over," he mumbles, just loud enough for Zayn to hear. His heart stutters and he silently berates himself.

"What's over, Liam?" Zayn asks carefully, keeping his voice low and steady, his hands stroking Liam's back soothingly.

"Dani," Liam says and Zayn forces back the tiny bubble of hope that Liam's words raise. "For good this time."

"I'm sure you'll work it out," Zayn says, because that's what a good mate would say even if it chokes him and he wishes the words away. "She'll come around."

"Ibrokeitoff," Liam says in a rush and Zayn's heart really does start pounding. "For good, Zayn. It wasn't ... we just ... I can't anymore."

Zayn lets one of his hands drift up into Liam's hair, scratching at his scalp gently the way Liam likes. He's not foolish enough to think that it's really over between them, he's spent too much time with them, watching them laugh together and kiss and whisper secrets to each other to believe otherwise. But god, he really wants to believe it. He can almost _taste_ how much he wants to believe it.

But he'd be an idiot to, and Zayn's no idiot. Most of the time.

He waits until Liam falls asleep, until he can feel his even breath against his neck before he slips away and heads onto the balcony for a cigarette to calm himself down. Then he has another, and another. He keeps smoking until Liam appears behind him, looking soft and sleepy with sad eyes that drag Zayn back to bed, curling around Liam as best he can until Liam's breathing evens out again, leaving Zayn wide awake, staring into the dark.

*

Zayn keeps waiting for one of the boys to mention that Liam and Dani are back together, but two weeks pass and no one says a word. Liam eventually stops looking sad and starts to brighten up. He spends every night curled up against Zayn, who spends every night hard and confused, slipping into the bathroom in the early hours to have a shameful wank, trying his best not to picture Liam as he strokes his achingly hard dick but every time he's close, every time he feels his body shuddering as he zeroes in on his orgasm, he remembers Liam's face when he came just from Zayn's hand through his jeans and he comes silently, his face twisted in pain as he shoots into his own fist, leaving him breathless and shaking and even more confused than ever.

By the time they finish the European leg of the tour, Zayn's ready for a week's break. He's tired of being confused and he's tired of waiting for Liam to talk about those kisses and he's tired of acting like everything's fine when it's not. He's exhausted and his mind is all over the place and he needs a break from everyone, but mostly Liam.

He slips away after the show, after they've shared a group hug offstage where Liam's hand rested over Zayn's, curling around him possessively. Paul organises him a car and he just goes without a word to anyone, slipping onto the last flight home and arriving home in the early hours of the morning. He leaves his bags in the hallway and crawls into bed, closing his eyes and falling easily into unconsciousness.

The days blur together. His family come to visit and it's great, except when they ask about the boys and Liam specifically and Zayn has to pretend that everything's great. Danny and Ant stop by and it's the first time Zayn feels like he's truly relaxed in months.

He spends a lot of time not doing anything at all, staring into space as he tries to figure out everything he's been feeling and thinking recently. He's no closer to any answers when he lands in the US with Louis, the other boys getting a later flight although Zayn's not sure why.

They're curled up in the tour bus, having made themselves at home and stolen the two best bunks, when the other three arrive. Harry immediately throws himself at both of them like they've been apart for months rather than just over a week and Niall's trying to shove Harry out of the way so he can get to at least one of them.

Liam's disappeared, probably to unpack or something, Zayn thinks as he untangles himself from Niall and heads towards the bunks. Liam's unpacking in the bunk opposite his, which makes Zayn's tummy flip for some reason even though they _always_ have opposite bunks.

"Hey," Zayn murmurs, his hands reaching for Liam before he can stop himself. He wraps himself around Liam's back, his hands splayed across Liam's tummy as he settles his chin on Liam's shoulder, feeling Liam relax back against him. Encouraged, he breathes Liam in, feeling himself relax even though he hadn't noticed he was even tense to begin with, turning his face into Liam's neck and nuzzling gently.

"Missed you," Liam says as his hands cover Zayn's, their fingers entwining while Liam turns his face slightly and Zayn's lips brush against his cheek.

"Missed you too," Zayn admits, squeezing him gently.

Liam turns in his arms, wrapping his hands around Zayn's neck as he tugs him in again. "Don't leave without saying goodbye again, okay?"

"Yeah okay," Zayn promises, his hand cupping the back of Liam's head and holding him close before he steps back and grabs Liam's hand, tugging him back into the communal area where Louis jumps on Liam and Zayn heads for the kitchenette to make tea.

They spend the evening catching up and Liam stays glued to Zayn's side the entire time. Dani's name isn't mentioned at all and he's starting to wonder if maybe this time the breakup will stick. He leans down and whispers into Liam's ear, making him giggle as his breath tickles his ear as he asks if Liam wants to head outside for some air.

"Yeah," Liam breathes and they make their excuses, barely getting a reaction from anyone. Outside, Zayn sparks up and takes a long drag of smoke as Liam moves in close and they sit on the steps, Zayn's arm around Liam as they stare out into the night.

"So you and Dani," Zayn starts because he needs to know. He's _dying_ to know but he can't finish the sentence.

"We spoke a few times but it's still over," Liam says quietly, his head dropping onto Zayn's chest. "It's really over."

"Are you okay with that?" he asks, his thumb brushing over Liam's warm skin just underneath his shirt sleeve.

"Yeah," Liam says and Zayn thinks he can hear a small smile in his voice. "Yeah, I really am. It wasn't going to work out so it was better to stop dragging it out, you know?"

Zayn doesn't respond because really there isn't much to say.

*

Somehow, it's like the last few months haven't even happened. Zayn's always appreciated how easy his relationship with Liam has been, almost fully formed from the moment they met and it's something they've never had to even work on. It's easier to be best mates with Liam than to breathe, he thinks sometimes. Liam starts telling him everything again, to his thoughts on the shows to how stressed he is sometimes, how much he's missing home or when he feels like he should be doing more. He comes to Zayn when he's tired and lets Zayn pet his hair, curls up in his bunk so they can read comics together or just nap. And it's nice, Zayn thinks as he's lying with Liam on the sofa, curled up together and talking quietly about everything and nothing.

Except for the bit where he has to focus on looking at Liam's eyes rather than his lips and he carefully keeps a fair distance between their dicks, just in case, and he tries to stop remembering how good it felt to have Liam's hand on his dick, even through two layers of material, or at least until he's alone in the showers and can get a hand on himself.

"You two are disgusting," Niall says as he walks in a flops down on the opposite sofa, closing his eyes as he exhales loudly.

"Why? What did we do?" Liam asks, turning his head around to look at Niall while Zayn puts his hand on Liam's hip to stop him overbalancing and tumbling off the sofa.

"Being all boyfriendy and couply together," Niall says in a bored tone, his eyes still closed so he doesn't notice how Liam freezes, or how Zayn's fingers dig in involuntarily into Liam's skin. "Worse than Harry and Louis, you two."

"Shut up Niall," Zayn says lazily, tugging Liam towards him so he's forced to turn his head back towards Zayn. He hears Niall laughing behind Liam but he's not paying him attention because Liam's frowning at him.

"I uh, I need to go, I've got a training session," Liam mumbles as he shifts, almost falling before he steadies himself and stands up, rushing out of the room as Zayn watches him.

"Always training, that one," Niall says, eyes still closed. “S’addicted.”

Zayn glares at him anyway before he shifts onto his back and crosses his arms behind his head. His mood worsens when Liam doesn't come back from his non-existent training session and he finds out through Harry that Liam and Louis have gone out clubbing, even though Liam's not old enough to drink in the US. The three of them stay in and watch telly, bored to death before they all turn in early, Zayn shoving Harry out of his bunk and ignoring Harry's protests that he's lonely and wants a cuddle.

"Go cuddle with Niall," Zayn tells him not unkindly as Harry pouts and crawls into Niall's bunk. There's furious whispering before it goes silent.

He wakes up when he feels someone sliding in behind him. He can smell the alcohol, but he knows it's Liam anyway. He keeps his eyes closed and waits for Liam to settle behind him, allowing his lips to curve slightly upwards as Liam's hand snakes across to settle on his belly, Liam wriggling around behind him until he's pressed up against Zayn's back. Zayn stifles a groan because Liam's only wearing his boxers and he can feel the heat radiating off him.

"Zayn?" Liam whispers in his ear and he can't help the tremble that races through him as Liam's breath dances across his skin. "Zayn, you awake?"

He makes a quiet noise, his hand brushing over Liam's where it rests on his bare tummy because he's also only in his boxers.

"Zayn," Liam's voice deepens and turns huskier as his hand starts to move, stroking Zayn's too sensitive skin. His hand drifts lower, making Zayn's stomach muscles clench as he tries to hold himself in control but Liam's hand keeps dips lower, sliding down to cup his dick through the cotton material and Zayn tenses, a hiss escaping through his teeth as he tries not to react. His body doesn't listen though, his dick swelling under Liam's touch as Liam makes approving sounds.

"Liam, you're drunk," Zayn whispers, reaching down with every intention of pushing Liam away when he feels Liam's lips brush against his shoulder and he freezes.

"Not really," he says quietly and Zayn can hear it in his voice. He knows what Liam sounds like drunk and that's not what he's hearing now. "Just had two beers before we got spotted and chased out."

Liam's hand starts to move, rubbing Zayn through his boxers and Zayn gives in, giving up any thoughts of pushing Liam away or stopping him because he's spent too many hours remembering the last time and how good it felt, and if Liam wants to do it again, then Zayn's not going to push him away.

"God Zayn, I wanna ..." Liam's voice trails away as his hand slips back up and his fingers play with the waistband to Zayn's boxers.

"Yeah," Zayn breathes, pushing back against Liam in invitation. "Yeah, I want it too."

He hears Liam's breathing stutter before his hand is slipping into Zayn's boxers and his fingers tentatively grip his hard cock, getting a firmer hold as Zayn swells in his hand. Zayn can't help but arch up into Liam's touch, biting down hard on his lip as he tries to stifle the groan that's threatening to escape. Liam's grip is just tight enough as he starts to stroke Zayn slowly, causing Zayn to bury his head into his pillow to stop himself screaming.

All the times he'd imagined Liam's hands on him hadn't even come close to the reality.

He can feel Liam's dick hard against his arse and he grinds gently back against him, sighing when he feels Liam groan into his skin.

"Missed you so much," Liam murmurs, just loud enough so Zayn can hear him as he twists his hand, making Zayn bite down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. His thumb brushes over Zayn's tip, smearing precome down his shaft as he slides his hand down and Zayn shudders helplessly. He starts to rock up into Liam's fist, a slow chant of _yes, yes, yes_ repeating in his head silently as Liam's hand moves faster, squeezing at the base and twisting at the tip, his thumb brushing over his slit each time and driving Zayn crazy.

"I like that I can make you hard," Liam whispers and Zayn whimpers weakly into his pillow, rocking his hips up harder and grinding back into Liam's hard dick with each stroke. "Wanna make you feel good, babe."

"You do," Zayn admits through gritted teeth, keeping his voice as low as possible to avoid being overheard. "So fucking good, Liam."

"God I just wanna hear you come again," Liam murmurs and Zayn's hips buck up helplessly. "Was so hot last time. Wanna hear you babe."

Zayn can feel his release hot and heavy, just on the verge and he turns his head as Liam's fist moves faster, frantically seeking Liam's mouth. "Kiss me," he pleads, and Liam's lips slide over his, swallowing Zayn's broken gasp as he comes, whining into Liam's mouth as his orgasm rockets through him, stroking him through it until he breaks the kiss, closing his eyes and shuddering until his body relaxes, Liam's arms around him, holding him tight.

"Fuck," he whispers into the darkness. "Fuck, I need to ..."

He breaks out of Liam's hold, turning around and pushing Liam down against the mattress as he carefully climbs over him, leaning up as far as he can before his head bumps the top of the bunk. He stares down at Liam, who's looking up at him with wide, fucked eyes, his hands resting on Zayn's thighs where he's straddling his hips. He can feel Liam hard against his arse and he rocks back gently, watching as Liam's face goes lax for a second. All he can think about is ruining Liam, seeing his face go lax like that as he comes because of Zayn.

He leans down and kisses Liam, humming happily as Liam kisses him back eagerly, his hands tightening on Zayn's thighs as Zayn deepens the kiss until they're both breathless and Liam's trying to arch up, even when Zayn's weight on him. Zayn trails his lips across Liam's jaw, kissing every inch of skin he can find before he nuzzles into Liam's neck, his lips pressing tiny kisses across his warm skin. He really, really wants to leave a love bite on Liam's neck, marking him as Zayn's but he knows it would lead to too many awkward questions so he nips at his skin instead before wriggling down Liam's body, grinning when he hears Liam groan. He straddles Liam's thighs, leaning up again to stare down at Liam, keeping eye contact as his fingers dance across Liam's tummy, feeling it contract under his touch. He watches as Liam squirms a little, his face flushing and his eyes shining and looking so beautiful, exactly like last time he got to do this. Except this time he pulls Liam's boxers down, glancing down to see Liam's dick spring free and his mouth fucking waters.

He's thick and long and Zayn's reaching for him, his fingers curling around Liam's dick and breathing out slowly as he lets the weight settle in his hand for a second. He lifts his gaze back up to Liam's face and he smiles when he sees Liam's face has gone lax, just like he wanted.

Zayn's never wanked anyone else off before. Liam's is only the second dick he's ever held in his hand so he's careful not to grip too tightly or tug too hard, watching Liam's face for signs as he starts to stroke him. With each slide of his hand, he tightens his grip until Liam's letting out tiny, breathy moans. Zayn's heart starts thumping and he drops down, keeping his rhythm going as he covers Liam's mouth with his other hand. Except he's totally unprepared when Liam's head lolls back, his eyes closing as he looks like he's in ecstasy. Mesmerised, Zayn carries on stroking him almost absently, watching in fascination as Liam writhes underneath him, his lips moving under his hand. Curious, he rubs his index finger against Liam's lips, swallowing his own moan as Liam opens up immediately, swallowing Zayn's finger and sucking hard, opening his eyes to stare up at Zayn, looking wrecked and desperate. Zayn slips another finger into his mouth, his other hand moving a little faster on Liam's cock, thumbing at Liam's slit and feeling Liam trembling underneath him.

It's not enough, Zayn thinks, just as desperate as Liam looks. His thumb trails precome down Liam's achingly hard shaft as he puts a third finger into Liam's mouth and hearing wet, sucking sounds slipping out from between Liam's lips as he sucks hungrily on Zayn's fingers. He's beautiful, Zayn thinks as he stares down at him.

"Fuck Liam," he breathes and he thinks maybe it's his voice that has Liam tensing, his eyes widening as he stiffens underneath Zayn. "Wanna see you fall apart, babe."

Liam's head falls back, his mouth going slack as Zayn watches him, squeezing his hand around Liam's dick and feeling him throb in his hand before he comes, Zayn's other hand moving to cover Liam's mouth as he lets out a strangled moan, doing his best to muffle the sound as Liam comes over his fist, warm and sticky and smelling like sex.

Only when he feels Liam relax against him does he slide his hand away from Liam's mouth and take his other hand off Liam's softening cock, wiping his hand with a grimace on the sheets before he pulls Liam's boxers carefully back up his hips.

Liam looks absolutely fucked, staring up at Zayn with soft, sleepy eyes. Smiling, Zayn leans down to kiss him, sweet soft kisses unlike any they've shared before. It's slow and playful and without breaking apart, Zayn slides down Liam's body and rolls over, pulling Liam with him until they're facing each other on the bed, Zayn's hand on Liam's hip and Liam's hand cupping Zayn's face, his thumb stroking gently as they kiss over and over, staring at each other until Liam's eyes drift closed and his lips still against Zayn's.

He curls up into Liam's body and closes his eyes, Liam's even breathing lulling him to sleep.

*

Zayn's not surprised when he wakes up alone. He takes a moment to stretch his cramped body, before he crawls out of the bunk, sparing a quick glance at Liam's bunk even though he knows he won't be there. He takes his time in the shower, wanking himself off slowly with the memory of Liam coming because of him last night, the feel of Liam's cock in his hand and the way Liam's hand felt around Zayn's, and the promise he makes himself that this time, he's not going to wait around for Liam. He's not confused anymore. He doesn't think Liam's confused anymore. And Zayn's tired of waiting.

He's on the phone to his mum when Liam comes in from his training session, barely lifting a hand in acknowledgement as his mum fills him in on everything he's missed since his last phone call two days ago while Liam disappears, probably to shower. He's smiling, eyes shut, while she describes in great detail what they had for dinner last night and he can practically taste it, making his stomach rumble angrily in protest. By the time he rings off with promises to call in another two days, he's rubbing his belly and trying not to think about how much he misses her, how much he misses all of them.

He can hear someone moving around in the kitchen and he follows the sound, finding Liam making himself a sandwich. Fighting back a smile, Zayn slips behind him, wrapping his arms around Liam as he leans his cheek against his back.

"Can you make me one too?" Zayn asks in his best pleading voice.

"Yeah, course," Liam says quietly.

Zayn drops his hands and steps away, taking a seat at the table as he watches Liam move around the small kitchenette. "How was training?"

"Mark says he's going to come looking for you soon if you don't show up to a session," Liam says, shooting a smile over his shoulder at Zayn.

Zayn's not worried. Mark's been promising that for weeks and Zayn has yet to turn up to a session.

They eat together and it's easy, to Zayn's relief. They don't talk about last night, but Zayn's not expecting them to now. Wary of how far he can push Liam, Zayn grabs his book after lunch and heads outside, craving some alone time. The sun is warm on his skin and he only manages a few pages of his book before he stretches out on the bench he's been sitting on and falls asleep. When he wakes up to find Louis staring at him, fingers tugging gently on his hair, he groans and rolls off the bench, stumbling to his feet as he follows Louis blindly to the car to head to the venue.

Zayn keeps his distance from Liam through the first few songs of their show, although he sends a few friendly smiles Liam's way when he catches his eye. When Liam's arm slides around him for the first time, pulling Zayn back into his body, Zayn lifts his hand to wrap it around Liam's forearm, keeping him there when Liam would normally be stepping back. When he finally lets go, he glances up at Liam to see his eyes have darkened and he's staring at Zayn. Zayn grins before he moves away to sing his bit, his voice a bit louder and reaching for a note he doesn't normally try to hit, catching it perfectly.

He feels like he could fucking _soar_ right now.

Zayn does it again; after Summer Love he sneaks his arm around Liam and whispers in his ear, telling him how great he sounded. His hand lingers on Liam's hip deliberately and he slips his thumb under Liam's tank so he can stroke his warm, slightly damp skin. He's close enough to feel Liam shudder at his touch, close enough to notice the way Liam leans into him ever-so-slightly and close enough to hear the way Liam lets out a shaky breath.

He moves away deliberately and doesn't look over his shoulder, because he knows. He fucking _knows_.

After that, Zayn makes it his mission to drive Liam as crazy as he can. When he hits a new riff, Zayn lifts his microphone to praise him to the crowd, grinning as Liam stares up at him each time, eyes dark and lips pressed together firmly. When they're on the bus with the others, watching movies or playing on the Xbox or just chatting, he makes sure to press up as close to Liam as he can manage. Every time, he can see the hunger in Liam's face just that little bit clearer and he can feel the tension in Liam's body, even as Zayn sinks into his side. He catches Liam staring at him just as often as Liam seems to catch him.

They're in Tinley Park when Zayn feels Liam's hand drop to his thigh as they sit around the table with the boys, discussing what they're going to do with their precious few days off. Zayn leans into Liam's side, his head resting on Liam's shoulder as he keeps his hands on the table, enjoying the way Liam's fingers stroke him through his jeans, just above his knee. Louis' talking about getting another tattoo and Niall's trying to talk him out of it, but Zayn's mostly not listening because Liam's stroking circles onto his leg and it feels, well, really nice. He hums quietly as Liam's fingers trace the seam of his jeans, trailing the seam up and down gently as Zayn wriggles a little closer.

"Alright babe?" Liam murmurs into his ear and Zayn nods, completely content right where he is.

Liam's hand drifts higher, making Zayn reach down discreetly to tug on his jeans where his dick is reacting to Liam's touch and making everything a bit tight, but he doesn't move Liam's hand away. A glance at Liam's profile tells Zayn that Liam knows what he's doing, judging by the small smile playing on his lips and well, Zayn's not going to be the one to stop this.

Liam's fingers dance up his sensitive inner thigh and he bites back a moan, closing his eyes instead as Louis and Harry try to talk Niall into the screw tattoo, for the millionth time.

Liam's thumb brushes against Zayn's dick where he's bulging in his jeans and Zayn makes a tiny whimpering noise that he really, really hopes the lads don't hear. Luckily they're being really vocal in their argument so only Liam hears, his hand tightening almost possessively around Zayn's thigh. His thumb brushes over Zayn's dick again and again until Zayn's shaking, his hand wrapped around Liam's arm as he squeezes painfully. When Liam finally, _finally_ moves his hand slowly to cup Zayn's achingly hard cock, Zayn feels like a rocket that might go off at any second. Liam strokes him slowly while Zayn grits his teeth and tries to bear it as long as he can before he thinks he's going to come, shoving Liam's hand away roughly as he stands up, muttering something about the bathroom before he slips out of the room, trying not to make it look like he's hobbling because he's got a fucking hard dick to contend with. He stumbles into the bathroom, almost crying as he shoves his hand down his jeans to get some fucking relief before he feels someone crowding up behind him, pushing him further into the bathroom as he hears the lock click.

"Zayn," Liam's voice sounds as wrecked as he feels and he staggers back against Liam, spinning around with what sounds dangerously like a sob, reaching up to cup Liam's head and dragging him in for a kiss. It's rough and sloppy and Zayn's grinding up against Liam, pushing him back against the bathroom door as he rolls his hips up, seeking any kind of friction to just get him off. Liam kisses him as he reaches between them, unzipping his jeans as he shoves them down and Zayn's hand dives into his boxers, pulling Liam's dick free and stroking him hard. Liam groans painfully into his mouth as he fumbles with Zayn's zip, finally dragging the zip down and shoving his jeans down too so he can get his hand into Zayn's boxers. They're both too worked up and too close to hold on, jacking each other off as Liam's tongue slides against his, slick and wet.

"Liam," Zayn moans into his mouth, desperate and ruined. His body stiffens just as he feels Liam freeze against him and he comes, spraying into Liam's fist and onto his shirt, his hand clenching helplessly on Liam's cock as he feels Liam come too, hard and intense in his hand.

Liam’s legs seem to give way and he slides down the door to the floor, taking Zayn with him as they end up in a jumbled heap on the bathroom tiles, Zayn swiping his hand on a towel that’s been left on the floor, passing it to Liam as he stretches out, sprawled half over Liam while he yawns, suddenly feeling horribly tired, like he could sleep for days.

“The boys’ll be looking for us,” Liam says eventually, his hand drifting down Zayn’s back where they’re cuddled together. Zayn’s feeling too lazy and fucked out to move, protesting when Liam tries to get up.

“C’mon babe,” Liam pleads quietly, and Zayn hides his smile into Liam’s chest before he pushes himself up, reaching down to help Liam to his feet. They end up facing each other, pulling their boxers and jeans up and it should be awkward, except Zayn nudges Liam’s arm with his elbow and Liam smiles a little uncertainly at him so as soon as Zayn’s got himself straightened up, he reaches out, pushing Liam’s hands away as he tugs his zip up, and somehow it’s that simple act that has them smiling at each other and Liam’s hand slips into his, warm and certain, squeezing Zayn’s fingers. Helplessly drawn to Liam’s mouth, Zayn steps into Liam’s space, his hands cupping Liam’s face and thumbs stroking his cheeks before he dips closer, slowly enough that Liam could push him away if he wanted to, now that the heat of arousal isn’t surrounding them but Liam tips his head up, leaning in as Zayn’s lips cover his. It’s lazy and soft, Liam’s hands on his back and pulling him in and Zayn feels like he’s falling. When he pulls back, Liam’s smiling at him, reaching in to press another quick kiss on his lips before he unlocks the door and slips away, leaving Zayn to lock the door behind him and move towards the sink, turning on the tap to splash water on his flushed face, rubbing his hands hard against his skin. It’s a long time before he feels steady enough to leave the safety of the bathroom.

*

“Zaynie.”

Zayn shifts, trying to pull the covers over his head. He hears a faint chuckle and he frowns, tugging harder on the covers.

“Zaynie, it’s time to get up babe,” Liam’s voice filters through and Zayn slowly opens his eyes to find Liam peering into his bunk, his face only inches away from Zayn’s. He’d been half-expecting Liam to back away from him again after last night, but he’s here, stroking his hair softly in that way he really, really likes and using that soft tone Zayn’s missed recently.

“M’up,” Zayn mutters, his hand closing around Liam’s wrist, keeping his grip light.

“We’ve got interviews today,” Liam reminds him, and Zayn doesn’t miss the way his gaze slips down to Zayn’s lips. Because he’s feeling stupidly happy that Liam’s here, waking him up, he licks his lips slowly as he watches Liam’s eyes darken. When he leans in slightly, Zayn’s already meeting him halfway, a brush of lips and a soft sigh before they both pull back.

“Get out the way then,” Zayn tells him kindly, a hand pushing gently against Liam’s chest as he climbs out of bed, grabbing his things and heading for the showers, wondering where this new relationship between them will lead.

*

He sees the exact moment Liam realises Zayn’s wearing his shirt. They’re settling into the room where they’ll be interviewed and Zayn takes off his jacket, revealing the blue top underneath. He watches in fascination as Liam’s eyes zero in on his chest. Because he’s always been aware of Liam, always known what mood he’s in just with a look, he sees the way Liam’s hands clench uselessly at his side. He knows that little tilt of the head is Liam’s acceptance of a challenge Zayn’s yet to fully offer.

When Liam tugs him down onto the sofa next to him and drapes himself across Zayn’s back, leaning into his body under the pretense of leaning towards the interviewer, Zayn wonders if maybe wearing Liam’s shirt was a step too far. But the way his body shivers as he feels Liam’s hands creep around his hips, the way Liam’s fingers brush his warm skin and causes Zayn’s already scattered thoughts to go haywire is too good to ignore.

After three interviews and being driven crazy by having Liam’s hands all over him, when Paul calls a break Zayn mutters something about needing to talk to Liam before he drags him into an empty room and it’s like they’re perfectly in sync, like always, because Liam’s shoving Zayn back against the wall and grinding into him, making Zayn’s head roll back as Liam bites down on his collarbone. It barely takes them two minutes of frantic rubbing and hands down each others boxers before they both come silently, breathing hard and kissing messily before Zayn licks his hand clean, unable to ignore the way Liam’s eyes sharpen on his mouth as he does. Liam does the same and Zayn’s practically ready to go again by the time his hand is licked clean, but they’ve only got a few minutes before they’re due back in the room for another interview.

Liam carefully positions himself between Harry and Niall. Zayn thinks it’s the most sensible thing either of them has done all day.

*

Zayn starts wearing something of Liam’s most days. He’s found that it drives Liam crazy to see Zayn wearing his clothes, or even borrowing his watch or his snapbacks and it always, always ends up with them racing off to find a quiet room to grind against each other and get each other off. Zayn feels like he’s going a bit mad with how often he wants to get his hands on Liam, forcing himself to spend time with the other lads in a vain attempt to leave Liam alone for a few seconds. But when they’re together in a room, regardless of who else is around, they gravitate towards each other like they’ve always done, but now Liam’s touch drives Zayn crazy, like he’ll explode if he doesn’t get his hand on Liam’s dick or press his lips against Liam’s.

Liam’s becoming addictive and he’s not sure what that means, except he wants him with a desperation that’s starting to scare him.

He spends a lot of time worrying that it’s becoming obvious to the lads, this thing between them. Every time Zayn looks at Liam, he’s certain that one of the boys is going to ask why he looks so happy, or why he’s staring at Liam. But they never say a word. They never seem to notice that Liam and Zayn always come back into the room together with mussed hair and bright eyes or that they can’t seem to keep their hands off each other. No one notices how often they spend the night in each other’s bunks and no one overhears the hushed handjobs they give each other in the middle of the night, Zayn’s hand over Liam’s mouth because he’s not sure there’s a better sight than Liam sucking on his fingers as he comes, silent and desperate.

Mostly, he’s surprised that none of the lads have noticed how often Liam’s hand finds itself on Zayn’s dick at the most inopportune times, because the one thing Zayn never knew about Liam was how much of an exhibitionist he can be. Zayn’s gotten used to Liam stroking him under the table while they have breakfast, or grinding against him in their bunks while the boys chat in theirs, whispering filthy, terrible things that make Zayn hard and grabbing for Liam, forgetting everything except how good it feels when they're together like this.

But of course they don’t talk about it and maybe that works for them. For now.

*

On their last night together in the US before they head home, Liam spends the evening getting Zayn totally worked up. They had their last show two nights ago and it was emotional like always, Zayn's hand clinging to Liam's as they group hugged on stage and Liam's arm slung tight around him as they took their final bow. Liam pushing him into an empty bathroom to jerk him off furiously, riding his natural high as Zayn comes loudly, moaning Liam's name as Zayn collapses into him, shaking and whimpering.

But on their last night while they're lounging around just the five of them, Liam's sat almost in his lap, wriggling and writhing around, grinning each time his arse brushes against Zayn's semi-interested cock and laughing softly when Zayn grabs him and holds him still, muttering in his ear about getting him back for this torture later.

It's worse when they start drinking, a tradition in the band when they finish each leg of their tour. Zayn forgets who started it, but his money is on Niall. Once they start getting loose and giggly, Zayn has to deal with a more tactile, less reserved Liam.

Liam's a handsy drunk.

Zayn's a giggly drunk.

It's a recipe for disaster.

After Liam's all but stripped Zayn, much to Harry's amusement, Zayn has to go outside for some fresh air and to calm himself down. Liam's hands have been running all over his body for the past hour and he's beyond hard. He's pretty sure a single touch would have him going off like a rocket, and that's dangerous when they're all drunk and uninhibited and if Liam touches him one more time, he's going to pin him to the sofa and make him come so hard he sees fucking stars, and he doesn't care which of his bandmates are in the room when he does it.

Which is why he's outside chain smoking and wondering what the fuck they're doing and whether they'll ever actually talk about it.

When Liam slips out to find him, his hands slipping around Zayn's waist and drawing him back until they're plastered together, Zayn sighing as he stubs out his cigarette and letting Liam's body warm him against the cool night air, he's no closer to figuring it all out.

"We're going to have to talk about this sometime babe," he murmurs, voicing what the fuck they've been doing all these months for the first time. The words stick slightly in his throat but he has to say them, at least once before they go home.

"Not tonight," Liam whispers, his chin hooking over Zayn's shoulder as his hands drift down to slide inside Zayn's jeans where he's already half-hard. It's a constant state for him around Liam these days. "Can we just go to bed?"

"Mmm," Zayn agrees, arching his hips slightly into Liam's touch, not wanting to move away. His buzz is just enough to relax him and he wants to remember everything before he has to head home and he won't see Liam for a few days.

He pouts when Liam slips his hand out of Zayn's boxers, grabbing his hand instead and leading him out, sneaking past the boys without them noticing because they're busy arguing over who's turn it is to go get more alcohol.

They sneak through the hall and Liam leads him into their room. Zayn's hands are on his fly, unzipping him while Liam tries to open the door, groaning every time the key slips and Zayn's hands brush against his dick.

"Fuck, Zayn!" Liam moans as he leans back into Zayn's embrace for a second before he pushes forward and desperately tries to open the door. When it finally opens, Zayn's all but got his hands on Liam's dick and he drags him inside, slamming the door shut behind him and pulling Zayn to the bed. They strip quickly, Liam giggling when his top gets stuck over his head and Zayn has to free him, Zayn pouting when he can't get his jeans off quick enough and Liam has to help him.

He tumbles back onto the bed and Liam climbs up over him, straddling his hips and looking adorably happy, his fingers brushing patterns over Zayn's tummy, making him smile.

"Hey babe," Zayn says quietly, staring up at him because he wants to memorise this Liam. Just in case. This Liam, naked and happy and smiling down at him, his hair flopping just slightly to the side, stubble kissing his jawline and Zayn can't even think about his body because he's been working out so much and everything's defined in a new, toned way that makes Zayn's mouth water if he stares too hard.

"It's not gonna be same when we get home, is it?" Liam asks, still smiling although his eyes darken slightly. Zayn reaches up to cup his cheek, the urge to comfort stronger than ever.

"Liam," he says, his voice tired and cracking just a little. "We really need to talk."

Liam shakes his head, dipping down to lightly kiss Zayn's chest, his lips tracing Zayn's tattoo because he knows Zayn gets off on it.

"Later," he murmurs and Zayn buries his hand in Liam's hair, giving it a slight tug because he knows Liam gets off on it.

He rolls them over so that they're lying on the bed facing each other. Zayn just stares at Liam for a second, memorising this moment too because Liam's looking at him like he never wants to leave this room, and Zayn knows that feeling all too well.

They lean in together, drawn by some invisible thread that's existed between them forever, connecting them somehow through everything. The kiss is soft and slow, Liam's hand teasing as it drifts down his belly to grasp his dick and he strokes softly, not breaking the kiss. Wanting to prolong this, to draw everything out as long as possible, Zayn keeps his hands to himself and lets Liam take his time, allowing Zayn ride out his orgasm slowly, like waves rolling over him. He finally breaks the kiss, nuzzling into Liam's neck as Liam wipes his hand on the sheets, whispering an apology that Zayn ignores as he lets his hand move down Liam's chest, dancing down over his toned tummy and teasing the sensitive skin around his dick the way Liam likes before he takes his cock in hand and brushes his thumb over the slit, slicking his hand with Liam's precome before he caresses him carefully.

He trails kisses up Liam's neck while his hand moves in slow, even strokes, capturing Liam's lips in a slow, drugging kiss as he feels Liam tense underneath him. He slows his hand down until Liam relaxes a little, determined to drag this out for as long as either of them can last.

He brings Liam within the brink of an orgasm four times before Liam's all but sobbing, his kisses slack and wet as he whimpers into Zayn's mouth.

"Please Zayn," he babbles quietly, body writhing as Zayn strokes him carefully through it. "Please babe I need to come please, please let me, I just need to come, babe, oh god Zayn it's so fucking good, I love your hands on me, so fucking good, please babe, please ..."

Zayn's vision clouds as he speeds up his hand, dropping his head to Liam's shoulder and biting down hard, not caring if it leaves a mark (it will) or if anyone sees it (he half-hopes they do), until he hears Liam sob loudly and feel him fall apart under Zayn's touch.

Liam's still shaking when Zayn draws him into his body, rubbing his hands over Liam to calm him down. "So beautiful when you come like that babe," Zayn whispers softly, his hands stroking Liam's arms soothingly. "So gorgeous, mate. I can't even tell you how amazing you look."

Eventually Liam stops trembling and curls up into Zayn's side, nosing against his neck quietly as his breathing evens out a little.

"You're my best mate, Zayn," Liam says drowsily, pressing a loose kiss against his shoulder before he drops off to sleep.

"You're mine too," Zayn murmurs, although he knows Liam can't hear him.

*

It takes Zayn three days at home to realise that Liam was right. It’s not the same back home, especially as Liam chose to spend a few more days in LA while Zayn headed home. They said their goodbyes in their hotel room, a quiet “see you soon” promise sealed with a hug as Zayn snuck out of the room in the early hours, Liam still in bed and mostly asleep. He’s so happy to be home that he doesn’t notice how much he misses Liam until his second night home where he stares up at the ceiling, in bed and tired as hell but unable to sleep. His first urge is to call Liam, except it’s late afternoon where he is and he’s probably busy doing cool things with Harry or Louis, who are both still out there too. When an hour passes and he’s no closer to sleep, even though he’s jerked himself off to a blurry picture of Liam on his phone that he took after their last show and he’s reorganised his calendar so he doesn’t forget all the promo stuff they’ve got starting next week.

It’s not until he’s half-asleep on the sofa, curled up with Safaa while his mum fusses around them and he gets a text from Liam that makes him smile stupidly that he realises how much he misses him. And it’s not just the ridiculously frequent orgasms he was enjoying either, but he just misses Liam, more than he misses the other boys and more than he’s missed Liam in the past. He misses his laugh and his smile, he misses Liam curling up with him and asking him things that he doesn’t understand or wants to know about, like Zayn’s some kind of smart, all-knowing person that Liam looks up to or something. He misses the way Liam’s arm would wrap around him on stage and the way he smells after a shower, the way his cheek with its light smattering of stubble would scratch across Zayn’s, the way his hands would always reach for Zayn and bring him in close.

He spends the next week hiding at home, trying to lose himself in his art and his books, catching up with Ant and Danny and his cousins. It works for a bit, but he’s almost vibrating with energy when he’s finally travelling down to London for a few days of promo and their movie premiere.

He’s the last to arrive and he’s happily bundled up in hugs from Louis and Niall before Liam’s there, grinning at him and holding him close. It’s not the time or place though, so the hug is too short and not enough but Harry’s reaching for him and it has to do, for now.

Except they never get a moment themselves. He can feel Liam’s frustration every time they try to sneak away and Louis grabs them or Paul stops them or someone walks past, forcing them to keep an awful, unwanted distance between them. They can’t even get an evening together because they’re filled with promo meetings and they’re both too tired to do anything other than go home and crawl into their own beds.

Then it’s a whirlwind of promos and flights across the Atlantic and somehow they never seem to connect and Zayn remembers how sad Liam looked, telling him that it wouldn’t be the same after the tour.

He promises himself, and Liam, that it will be exactly the same, just as soon as they get to Australia for the final leg. That’s all they have to do and once they get back on the road, it’ll be exactly as it was. They just need a little time to breathe together and they’ll be fine. He catches Liam’s gaze, sitting across the aisle from him in the plane. He looks as tightly-drawn as Zayn feels, neither of them satisfied with the small touches and hugs they’ve had to limit themselves too. His only consolation is that Liam looks as frustrated as he feels. He’s half-tempted to drag Liam into the bathroom, pretty sure it’ll just take Liam’s hand touching his dick to get him off but there are too many people around, too many eyes watching. It’s been like that for two unbearable weeks, but it’ll all change in Australia. He closes his eyes, dragging in a ragged breath as he tells himself that over and over again, until he starts to believe it.

*

He’s fucking aching. It’s been over a month since he had any alone time with Liam and he’s in Australia, alone in his room waiting anxiously for Liam to land. His flight’s been delayed and he’s already had a text from Liam’s mum, telling him about Liam’s grandfather and all he wants to do is wrap Liam up in a hug and make sure he’s okay, even though he knows he isn’t. He’s been there, more than once since this whole journey started for them and each time, Liam’s hugs and Liam just talking to him helped, he can’t even remember what he said but Liam’s voice soothed that aching feeling inside of him.

When he finally opens the door to a tired-looking Liam, he drags him inside and does what he’s been aching to do, curling around him protectively. He hears Liam’s sigh and feels his hands clinging to his shirt, holding on like he’s something steady to anchor himself to.

“I’m so sorry babe,” Zayn murmurs finally, pulling back a little to look at him but not letting go for a second.

“It’s shit,” Liam says succinctly, but he manages a tiny smile. “I wanted to go home but Mum wouldn’t let me. Not sure how much use I’d be anyway.”

“Don’t talk rubbish,” Zayn tells him, pulling him back into a hug. “What can I do?”

“Just like, can we just not talk?” Liam asks, his voice muffled against Zayn’s shoulder. “Just sit here and not talk?”

Zayn says nothing but he walks them slowly to the bed, pushing Liam down gently and following him down, tangling them together until he hears Liam sniffle a little. His arms tighten around Liam but he keeps quiet, saying nothing as Liam tries not to fall apart and Zayn tries to hold him together.

By the morning, he’s absolutely shattered but Liam’s managed to sleep a little and he looks a little brighter.

“Hi,” Zayn murmurs, when Liam lifts his head to look down at him. His smile is a little shy and a little uncertain, and maybe it wobbles just a little but it’s a definite smile. Zayn lifts his hand to stroke Liam's cheek, his heart flipping when Liam leans into his touch.

"Missed you," Liam murmurs before he lowers himself over Zayn and kisses him. Zayn tries to keep it light but Liam won't let him, his hands running over Zayn's body and Zayn tries to stay calm but he can't help the way his dick hardens almost immediately, because fuck, Liam's touching him and he's missed him _so_ much.

"Liam, we shouldn't," Zayn mutters, not even believing himself when he says it, but Liam lifts his head, looking down at Zayn with a frown.

"I thought you ... that we'd ... don't you want to?" he asks in a small voice that has Zayn dragging him back down for a fast, fierce kiss.

"Of course I want to," he mutters against Liam's lips, kissing him over and over again. "Just thought it wasn't the right time."

Liam's shaking his head, his lips brushing Zayn's every time he moves. "No, I wanna just forget everything. Everything except you."

Zayn can't help the way his hips rock up at Liam's words, or the groan that escapes his lips. When Liam shifts, moving down Zayn's body and pressing kisses down his chest and across his tummy, he relaxes a little because he can do this. He can help Liam escape for a few minutes.

When Liam's fingers trace the waisband of his shorts, he lifts his hips automatically so Liam can slide them down and off. He's reaching for Liam to pull him back up for a kiss when Liam looks up from where he's laying between Zayn's legs. Zayn pauses for a second because seeing Liam lying there, his lips slightly parted as he stares up at Zayn is almost too much to bare. His dick jerks and Liam's gaze is drawn down, his hands on Zayn's thighs as he squeezes gently. They slide up, one hand pinning Zayn's hips down and the other closing in a fist around him, and Zayn lets out a hiss through gritted teeth. He wants to rock up into his touch but Liam's hand is too heavy on his hip, keeping him on the mattress.

He's staring helplessly at Liam when he sees him lick his lips before he bends down and kisses the tip of Zayn's dick.

"Fuck!" Zayn's swearing before he can stop himself, his hips desperately pushing up towards Liam even as Liam pushes down against him, keeping him flat on the bed.

This time when he dips down, he lets his tongue swirling around the tip and Zayn has to bite down hard on his bottom lip to stay quiet as he watches in fascination, his heart racing as he watches Liam glance up at him before he moves down, lips wide open as he sinks down over Zayn's cock.

Zayn struggles to keep his breathing even, his hands fisting around the bedsheets as he struggles for control, unable to take his eyes off the sight of Liam's lips, plump and pink, wrapped around his cock. He starts reciting times tables, anything to stop himself coming too early because Liam's lips are sliding up and down his cock, his mouth warm and wet and making him tremble.

Liam slides off his dick with a wet noise, breathing heavily as he glances shyly up at Zayn. It makes him want to laugh, because only Liam could suck his dick then look shy about it.

"S'okay?" he asks, his voice a little hoarse and his eyes wary.

"Fuck, more than okay babe," Zayn tells him, his own voice sounding husky and needy. "S'amazing."

Liam's face lights up before he quickly swallows Zayn down again, his hand wrapping around the base of Zayn's cock as he wanks him slowly into his mouth, and Zayn knows he's not going to last long, not when Liam starts sucking him harder, his tongue pressed against the underside of his cock as his hand slips up and down his wet dick.

Zayn reaches down, grabbing Liam's other hand, squeezing tightly as his hips lift helplessly and he slowly comes apart.

"Gonna come," he manages to say, his body trembling as Liam pulls back, his grip tightening as Zayn comes long and hard with an embarrassingly loud and shaky moan of Liam's name before he closes his eyes and passes out a little.

When he comes to, Liam is curled up against him, his hand splayed across Zayn's chest possessively.

It hits him like a fucking train. He's in love with Liam. Totally, horrifyingly in love with Liam, who won't even talk to him about the fact that they're kind of in a relationship. Desperately, life-changing love that will probably fuck everything up and make everything awful.

"We really need to talk about this Liam," Zayn murmurs slowly, his voice slightly wrecked as his hand drifts up and down Liam's back.

He can feel Liam tensing up next to him, and he pulls him closer. "Not today," Liam says quietly. "Please Zayn, just not today, yeah?"

Zayn lets it go because today _isn't_ the right time, he knows that.

But when the days pass and Liam still won't talk to him about it, Zayn finds himself pulling away. He doesn't want it to be a secret, this thing between them. He wants to talk about how Liam feels, about how he feels about Liam. He wants to get it all out in the open and be fucking boyfriends or whatever. But every time he brings it up, Liam asks him for more time, or shoves him into an empty room and sinks to his knees, or rolls over in bed and sticks his hand down Zayn's shorts.

He shouldn't feel resentful, but he does.

When they fly to New Zealand, Zayn switches with Harry and bunks with Louis. He ignores Liam's confused look when they check in, and avoids Liam when they pile into Niall's room to watch a movie together.

Zayn pays no attention to Liam when he gets up quietly halfway through the film and leaves the room.

He ignores the way his heart feels like it's ripping into two pieces.

When Liam drags him away in the morning and asks him what's wrong, he pretends he doesn't notice the way Liam's hands tremble when he tells him that he can't do this anymore. That they have to stop whatever it is that they're doing, because Zayn just can't, not again.

He stays in with Louis when Liam goes out with Niall and Harry that night. He pretends not to be awake when he hears them stumbling around at 3am, Liam's laugh loud and bright and so easily distinguishable above Niall and Harry's giggles.

It takes a week of Liam drinking every night, throwing money away at the casino with Harry one night and going to a strip club with Niall the next, before Louis comes to him, eyes sharp and lips pursed.

"Zayn, what's going on?" he asks quietly, slipping into the seat opposite him in during their break at soundcheck, resting his elbows on the table and leaning in. Zayn knows it's his serious pose.

"With what?" he asks, choosing to be deliberately obtuse. He absolutely does not want to talk to Louis about this.

"With Liam," Louis says sharply, his eyebrow arching as he shoots Zayn a filthy look. "You know what I'm talking about."

"He's just stressed, like with lots of stuff and his granddad and shit," Zayn says finally, because it's partially true and he can't tell Louis what's really wrong. He can't tell _anyone_. But Louis' just staring at him and _fuck_. "Fine, I'll talk to him."

"Do it now," Louis says, a hint of steel in his voice and fuck, Zayn _hates_ that tone.

"Fine!" he grumbles, standing up and giving Louis a shove as he passes him. Just because.

Except he can't find Liam before their break is over and then there's not a spare minute before they're running onstage. It's mostly annoying because Louis keeps glaring at him.

When they finally get back to the hotel, Louis shoves him towards Liam, grabbing Harry's hand and tugging him away. "Sort it out, Malik!" he hisses, pulling a confused-looking Harry into Niall's room.

Which leaves Zayn in the hallway, feeling awkward and miserable.

Liam's about to disappear into his room when Zayn grabs the door and follows him in, noting the way Liam's eyes narrow when he leans back against the door, refusing to look up.

"What is it, Zayn?" Liam asks, and his voice sounds oddly brittle. "Thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore."

Zayn shakes his head, torn between being angry or sad. "That's not it at all, Leeyum," he says, drawing out Liam's name for the first time in forever. "I want, Jesus you have no idea what I want because you won't just talk to me."

He hears Liam's muttered "I don't want to _talk_ " before he's being crowded back against the door, Liam's lips on his as his body presses against Zayn's and he's spent too long not doing this with Liam to resist. He lets out a muffled whimper before he's shoving Liam back, breaking the kiss and pushing at Liam until he falls back against the bed and Zayn tumbles on top of him. He scrambles up to kiss Liam, craving the taste of his lips as his hands tear at Liam's clothes, ripping his shirt away until he finds warm skin. He slides his hands across Liam's warm skin until he feels himself being pushed and rolled onto his back, Liam on top of him and straddling his hips, staring down at him with darkened eyes.

He fucking _loves_ it when Liam looks like this.

Liam slips his ripped shirt off and tugs his undershirt over his head before he unzips his jeans and wriggles out of them and his boxers before he undoes Zayn's fly and pulls his jeans away while Zayn rids himself of his shirt. When Liam's fingers slide into Zayn's waistband, Zayn lifts his hips in invitation, letting Liam slide his boxers down.

Zayn's expecting him to crawl back up but when he glances down, Liam's on his knees on the floor, his hands sliding up and down Zayn's thighs carefully, sending shivers through his body. Liam tugs on him hard, pulling him down the bed until Zayn's feet hit the floor. Liam presses a kiss on the inside of his knee where it's bent over the edge of the bed before he trails his lips up the inside of his thigh, making Zayn whimper as he brushes over sensitive flesh. When Liam nuzzles his face against Zayn's dick, he cries out, too hard and too desperate and too everything. Liam's tongue flicks out to tongue at his balls and Zayn tries to curl up because it's too just too much. When he swallows Zayn down, Zayn tries to relax and enjoy the feel of Liam's mouth around his cock, but he's shaking too hard and just staring down at the way Liam's lips slide confidently down his shaft, his gaze locked on Zayn.

"God Liam," Zayn murmurs weakly, reaching down to brush his hand through Liam's hair, tugging gently as Liam's eyes roll back and he sucks harder around Zayn.

When Zayn's hips jerk up, Liam stops moving and stays still where he is, just staring up at Zayn with an odd look in his eyes.

Confused, Zayn lets his hand slip to Liam's cheek, his thumb stroking his skin softly. "Babe?"

Liam shakes his head, and fuck it's an image to remember, Liam absolutely still with his mouth full of Zayn's hard dick. Liam's hands grip his hips and pull upwards, pushing Zayn's cock further into his mouth before he lets go and Zayn slides out a little.

Zayn moves his hips slowly, not wanting to be wrong about what Liam's asking him to do. When he pushes up, Liam's face relaxes and his eyes close as Zayn fucks into his mouth, feeling Liam's throat constrict around him before he pulls out, his dick covered in saliva as he watches a tear escape down Liam's cheek. But when Liam opens his eyes and looks up at him, his eyes are shining and he looks totally blissed out, and that's all Zayn really needs before he pushes his hips up again, rocking himself into a slow rhythm that has Liam's hands tightening around his shaking thighs as he tries to hold onto his orgasm for a little longer. Liam's mouth is tight and slick around him though and all it takes is a glance down to see the tears streaming down Liam's face, the way his eyes are crinkled like he's so fucking happy to be doing this for Zayn and the way he's holding so still, just letting Zayn fuck up into his mouth is all it takes for Zayn to let out a low moan before he comes, watching as Liam gags around his cock, wondering if there's a more beautiful sight than Liam trying to swallow around his rapidly softening dick.

He's trying to catch his breath, his chest heavy and he's not sure he can move right now as he stares at Liam wiping at his mouth, his tongue flicking out to catch a stray drop on his lips. When Liam moves away and reaches into his bedside drawer, pulling out a bottle and a strip of condoms, Zayn whimpers as his legs spread instinctively, hearing Liam's low growl of approval.

"Yeah?" he hears Liam ask gruffly and Zayn pushes himself up, grabbing the back of Liam's neck and pulling him in for a fierce, rough kiss before he falls back against the mattress, eyes bright as he nods. He needs this. He needs _Liam_.

Liam closes his eyes for a second before he presses his hand down onto Zayn's tummy. He moves his hand slowly, running it down Zayn's hip and thigh, squeezing carefully before he opens the lube up and squirts the liquid onto his fingers until they're slick.

Zayn watches Liam sink down to his knees again before he closes his eyes and waits anxiously. It seems like forever before he feels Liam's finger, cold and wet, against his hole and he has to force himself to lie still. When his finger slowly eases inside, his body jerks but he quickly adjusts and sighs as he relaxes into Liam's touch, adjusting to the feeling and liking it, god he likes it so much.

"Zayn," he hears Liam murmur, sounding awe-struck. "Zayn."

Liam repeats his name over and over again, almost rhythmically as he slides his finger in and out of Zayn until Zayn's moving with him, his hips rocking gently. When Liam slides another finger inside of him, Zayn doesn't break rhythm because he just wants more. He wants Liam inside of him; he knows now this is where they've been heading since their first kiss. Maybe even before.

He can feel Liam's other hand on his hip, pinning him down against the mattress as Liam fingers him open as he writhes against the cool sheets, desperate for Liam to fill him up until he can't breathe.

"More," he manages to say shakily, his hands fisting around the sheets as his toes curl in anticipation. "More, babe."

He can feel the stretch burning deliciously as Liam adds a third finger and Zayn feels like his body is on fire. He pushes down against Liam's hand, hearing Liam's faltering whimpers between his legs.

"Babe," Liam murmurs, his voice breaking slightly as he lifts his head to stare up at Zayn. He can only imagine the picture he makes, breathless and sweaty, rocking down onto Liam's fingers, lips parted as he probably does a terrible job of hiding how desperately he wants Liam to fuck him right now.

"Now, Leeyum," Zayn pleads softly, his hips slowing down as he steadies himself. He feels Liam's fingers slip away from him and he can't stop the whine from escaping his lips as he feels the loss.

"Shh," Liam says soothingly. Zayn's got his eyes closed, overwhelmed and feeling wrecked already as he hears the tear of the condom packet and he has to stop himself from looking at Liam sheathing himself because he's pretty sure he'd come just from the sight of Liam's hand on his own dick. He identifies each sound - the bottle opening, liquid squirting, slicked fingers, slick cock - before his eyes shoot open as he feels Liam's dick pressing against his stretched hole and he tenses, unable to stop himself.

"Zayn."

He looks up, immediately softening as he stares up at a worried looking Liam. He breathes through the moment, relaxing as he keeps his eyes locked onto Liam.

"M'ready," he murmurs, managing a shaky smile as Liam pushes gently into him, both of them wincing at how tight Zayn is. But Liam doesn't stop moving and Zayn can't drag his eyes away from watching the strain on Liam's face as he tries to keep himself steady. When he bottoms out, Zayn breathes in deeply, taking a moment to feel how full Liam is inside of him.

"Okay babe?" Liam asks, and Zayn can hear the nerves in his voice.

He smiles bright, pushing down against him as Liam's hips jerk in response. He feels full and new and amazing and if Liam doesn't start moving soon, he might cry. Or maybe punch him. "Please, fuck me, Leeyum."

The way he says Liam's name has Liam groaning as he slides back before he rocks back up into Zayn, and both of them moan at how good it feels. "God Liam, please just fuck me hard, yeah? Your dick feels so fucking good inside me, you have no idea babe,"

"Not gonna last long," Liam says shakily as he moves slowly, ignoring Zayn's request while he builds a quiet rhythm that has Zayn writhing underneath him, trembling as Liam moves a bit faster.

"Just wanna watch you come," Zayn says, his hands wrapping around Liam's biceps where he's holding himself up over Zayn. "Wanna come on your cock, babe."

"Shit," Liam swears before he groans long and low, lowering himself a little so he can lift his hand off the bed and fist Zayn's dick. Zayn's head falls back as he pushes down against Liam, his body shaking as he starts to come, his vision blurring as he explodes into Liam's hand with a low groan. Liam fucks into him at a steady pace as he rides out the aftershocks and Zayn can see what it's costing Liam to hold on.

"Come on babe," Zayn whispers when he can talk again. He reaches up to press his thumb against Liam's lips, smiling when Liam catches him between his teeth, biting down gently as he pounds into Zayn faster, fucking him into the mattress. "Wanna feel you come inside of me."

Liam comes at the sound of Zayn's whispered plea, his body locking over Zayn's as he lets out a sharp cry and Zayn can actually feel Liam throbbing inside of him. He wants to remember this feeling forever.

He strokes Liam's back carefully, moving his hands to touch every inch of Liam's hot, slick skin until Liam stops shuddering, collapsing down onto Zayn's chest as they lie there, fighting for breath and totally exhausted.

Minutes pass before Liam drags himself up, pulling out of Zayn with a tiny wince before he takes off the condom and ties it, disappearing into the bathroom where Zayn hears the water running for a while, half-asleep by the time Liam returns with a cloth to clean Zayn up, spent and exhausted.

When he's finished, Zayn tugs Liam back into bed, curling up into his body and falling asleep almost immediately, a half-smile playing on his lips.

*

Liam's gone when he wakes up, but since it's his usual training session time, Zayn hadn't expected to find Liam in bed with him. He winces as he moves, his whole body aching, stiff and sore. He flops onto his belly, shoving his face into the pillow and breathing deeply before he pushes it away because it smells like Liam.

They shouldn't have done that last night.

It's not like either of them were even drunk or high or could blame it on anything other than the fact that they both desperately wanted each other. But nothing's changed and Zayn's not stupid enough to think that it has, just because they slept together. Just because Liam fucked him and it was the best sex he's ever had. Just because he's not sure he'll ever forget the way Liam sounded and felt when he came inside of Zayn.

Just the memory of last night has Zayn half-hard and wanting more.

God, he just wants to do it again and again. He wants Liam to pin him up against a wall and fuck into him slowly. He wants Liam to shag him quick before a show, so he can feel Liam in him every moment he's on stage, higher than he's ever been before. He wants Liam to spend all night fucking him so slowly until he's crying and begging for release. He wants it quick and dirty, slow and sweet, he wants it all.

But he only wants it with Liam. He wants all of Liam, because these snatches of time aren't enough and they can never be enough, not with the weight of how he feels about Liam resting heavy inside of him, threatening to burst out at any minute and ruining everything.

With a loud sigh, he gives himself three minutes to wallow before he forces himself out of bed, trying not to whimper as he quickly gets dressed and walks carefully to the door, glancing out into the hallway to make sure it's clear before he crosses over to his own room and heads straight for the shower, letting the hot water sting against his skin as he slowly relaxes, palms flat against the cold, wet tiles and deliberately keeps his mind absolutely blank.

He spends the rest of the day in bed, ignoring the knocks on his door and pretending to be asleep when Louis comes in. They've got a week left in Australia before they fly to Japan for a few concerts and promos, then he can go home and put some distance between him and Liam. Give himself some time to figure out what he's going to do and what it'll mean for them.

But right now he's got to get up and face Liam and the boys and pretend he didn't have the best fuck of his life last night with his best mate, and it's probably going to be the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. But Zayn's never backed down from a challenge, not since he tried to walk off on the X Factor and Simon goaded him into coming back and dancing. And he'd done it. He'd danced. He'd been embarrassed as hell but he'd done it and it had led him to the best thing that's ever happened to him, and fuck it, he can do it again.

Schooling his expression into lazy indolence, he heads downstairs where the cars are waiting and he slips inside, relieved when it's just Harry inside.

"Others have gone ahead," Harry tells him, and Zayn's never been so grateful for Harry when he just turns back to his phone, leaving Zayn to stare out of the window as they make their way to the venue.

Somehow he manages to avoid Liam until they're about to go on stage. He feels Liam brush up against him as they lean in for their ritual pre-stage huddle, his hand on Zayn's hip, his fingers pressing against his skin. Zayn has to force himself not to lean into Liam's touch, not to whimper and curl into him, seeking his mouth.

Liam spends most of the concert hanging off Zayn. He's torn between dragging Liam closer and nuzzling into his warm body like he desperately wants to, and pushing him away so he can have some space and try to stop wanting him so much.

"What's wrong?" Liam whispers into his ear halfway through the concert while Harry's talking to the crowd. "Haven't seen you all day."

"Nothing's changed, Li," Zayn whispers back, refusing to look at him because he's weak, which is exactly the reason why last night happened. "We can't do this. I can't do this. It can't happen again."

He feels Liam move away, moving across the stage and curling himself around Niall, who quickly covers his confusion since Liam's not meant to be there by dragging Liam into a hug and just going with it.

When they're offstage, he doesn't see Liam for almost 24 hours until they're due back on stage. He looks hungover and pale and he's refusing to look Zayn in the eye. Louis is glaring at him again, but Zayn refuses to get involved again, turning towards Harry with a pleading look. Harry frowns but he curls himself around Zayn, and he's never been so thankful that this band works the way it does.

When Liam dances near him for the first time and slings his arm around Zayn's neck, he can't help the way his body leans into Liam's, craving his touch even while he's berating himself for his weakness. Their stage relationship manages to stay intact, with small touches and smiles and hugs, even as their off-stage relationship crumbles spectacularly. Liam spends every night out with one of the boys, while Zayn curls up in his room, sometimes alone or sometimes with whoever's not out with Liam. No one talks about it, not even Louis, who mostly just hovers over both of them like a mother hen.

Somehow they make it to Japan. Somehow, they get through the concerts and the promos. Somehow, they finish their last show of the tour and in the group hug, Zayn pulls Liam into him, not caring that they're not talking or that Liam looks awful, like he needs to sleep for a month and just rest, or that Zayn wants to be the one who looks after him. He just needs to pull Liam close, to rest his head on Liam's shoulder and be near him. Just this once. And maybe it's wishful thinking that he hears Liam making a tiny sobbing noise next to him, because when he glances over, Liam's got his eyes closed and he's smiling, although it seems a little tight.

Liam still goes out drinking that night with Niall and Zayn curls up with Louis and Harry, letting Harry pet his hair as he reminds himself that it's just one more day before he can go home. One more day to get through.

*

Only they would have a belated Halloween party to celebrate the end of tour before they're all due to hop on a plane tomorrow for the long flight back to the UK, Zayn thinks with a smirk as he nurses his third drink. He's been keeping an eye out for Liam but he's not arrived yet and the rest of them are getting slowly trashed. Niall's already fallen over twice and Harry turned up in a fucking Miley Cyrus costume and it shouldn't surprise him, not after all these years but he admires Harry's sheer fucking balls to carry it off.

Louis' pushing another drink into his hand and Zayn figures what the hell as he downs it, laughing as Louis' eyes light up and he orders another round. Soon enough he's on the dance floor, shoving a laughing Harry away from trying to grind up against him before he's pulling Niall in for a quick shimmy while they both try not to laugh. He can actually feel the weight of the tour disappearing from his shoulders, he can feel the tension slipping away but he knows there's something missing.

When he next spins around, looking for Louis for his next drink, Liam's right there in front of him, dressing like David fucking Beckham. His heart flips and he's reaching out, tugging Liam into his body and grinding against him before he can stop himself. He tries not to overreact to the way Liam folds himself around Zayn, his hips grinding against Zayn's so sweetly and it's barely a moment before they're both embarrassingly hard. Zayn's finding it hard to care though, not when he's got such a lovely buzz and Liam's here, in his arms, pulling him closer and ducking his head into the crook of Zayn's neck, mouthing gently at it as they get swept away in the crowd.

Zayn pulls Liam's head up to stare at him, seeing the arousal clouding Liam's eyes, making them darken as his face flushes, lips parted and he looks hungry. Desperate to make some kind of mark on Liam, even here in the middle of a crowded club, with the rest of the band and their entire crew watching, Zayn bares his teeth, watching as Liam's face goes lax in recognition and he tips his head back slightly, arching his neck for Zayn. He ducks down, lips about to sink over Liam's heated skin when he sees a mark already there. He freezes, his hand coming up to trace the mark with his finger, anger filling him until he can't breathe. He shoves Liam back, seeing him stumble as his hand lifts up to cover the mark and he stares at Zayn.

For once, Liam's completely unreadable to him.

Not that he cares because Liam's got a fucking lovebite on his neck, one that Zayn hasn't given him and he needs to get the fuck away from Liam before he completely loses it. He spins around, fighting through the crowd. He finds Paul, telling him hoarsely that he needs to get back to the hotel. He's calling the airline on his way, looking for an earlier flight. The wonders of having a famous name, he thinks as he books himself on the next available flight, leaving in two hours, giving him just enough time to pack and get to the airport if he rushes.

Zayn fucking rushes.

He doesn't give himself time to think, not until he's on the plane and the lights are out. And then he forces the memory of Liam's marked neck away from him, because if he thinks about it, if he gives any thought to how it got there or why it was there, he might just fall apart and there's no one to hold him together. Not anymore.

*

He hides out at home, throwing his phone in a drawer and sketching memories across his graffiti room, falling asleep on the floor, exhausted and empty.

*

Louis comes to see him after a week, swearing that it's just to check he's still alive since not even Ant or Danny have been round to see him.

"M'fine," Zayn mutters as he pours tea, shoving a mug into Louis' hands before he picks his own up and cradles it carefully.

"Look, whatever's going on between you and Liam, fine, you don't have to tell us," Louis says determinedly. Zayn deliberately stares out of the window. "But there's definitely something, we're not stupid. Is it about Dani?"

That has Zayn's head spinning back towards Louis, a frown on his face. Why would Louis think it's about Dani? As far as he knows, Liam hasn't seen Dani in months and only gets the odd text here and there from her. "What?"

"Liam was at mine yesterday, miserable as fuck," Louis explains before he pauses to take a sip, wincing at what he always says is Zayn's inability to make a decent cup of tea. "He got a text from Dani and left pretty quickly, said he was going over there to see her. Is he getting back with her? Is that the problem?"

Zayn can't actually hear anything above the buzzing in his ears. He feels like he might be sick and he covers his mouth with his hand, just in case.

Eventually, he realises Louis' got his hand on his wrist, his other hand on Zayn's hip and he's staring at him in bewilderment.

"Zayn?" Louis sounds like he's been saying Zayn's name for a while as Zayn just stares dumbly at him. "Zayn, what's up?"

"I need to ..." he trails off because he's not sure what he needs, but there's a pressure building inside of him. "Fuck, I need to ..."

And god Zayn loves Louis because he gets it, when no one else would. "I'll see you next week, yeah?" he says quietly, draining his tea with only a tiny wrinkle of his nose before he pulls a rigid Zayn into his arms. "Love you, man."

"Love you too, Lou," Zayn manages to say before Louis disappears out of the door and Zayn sinks to the floor, arms wrapped around his knees as he struggles to hold himself in one piece.

_Liam and Dani._

After all Liam and Zayn have been through this year. He's back with Dani.

Shaking, he gets to his feet and stumbles into his graffiti room, grateful Louis didn't just barge into it earlier because it's just Liam, everywhere. Liam's eyes and Liam's lips, his biceps and his phrases. There's even a crude drawing of his dick somewhere that Zayn had drawn before he'd jerked himself off embarrassingly quickly, the shame rolling off his body into a mind-blowing orgasm.

He covers his face with his mask and grabs two cans of paint and just starts spraying. He sprays the walls, covering all the Liam staring back at him. He sprays until he's exhausted and crashing to the floor, unable to stand. He pushes the door open so the fumes don't kill him while he's curled up, shaking and tears streaming down his face while he helplessly swipes at them.

Zayn finally falls into a troubled, shattered sleep, tightly curled into himself like a ball and wishing his heart would stop fucking breaking.

He wakes up to his doorbell ringing, like someone's leaning on it. Stumbling downstairs, he rubs his eyes in a vain attempt to wake up as he reaches for the door.

When he sees who's standing there, he's tempted to rub his eyes again, just to make sure he's actually awake, because the last person he expects to see is Liam, looking pale and gaunt and nervous. He wants to cry because all he can think about is hugging him to get that look off his face, but he can't.

"Zayn," Liam murmurs, his voice rough and unsteady. "Zayn, can I come in?"

He wants to be bratty and ask him where Dani is, but instead he banks it down and heads towards the kitchen, suddenly craving coffee. He's boiled the kettle and poured two cups by the time Liam comes into the room and takes a hesitant seat across from Zayn.

"I've missed you," Liam says quietly.

Zayn jumps to his feet and spins around, staring out of the window as he tries to control his trembling hands. "Fuck you," he says just as quietly. "Fuck you, Liam. You can't just come here and tell me you miss me. Not when you could have _had_ me."

There's a long silence before Liam clears his throat. "Past tense then," he says flatly, and Zayn spins around, suddenly furious.

"I'm not the one who went out in Japan and let someone suck on my neck, Liam! I'm not the one who went back to my ex-girlfriend _again_! You're not doing this to me anymore," he half-yells, hands balling into fists as he stares at his best mate and feels his bruised heart break all the way into a million pieces. He closes his eyes and lowers his voice to a whisper. "Fuck you. Fuck this. Just go, Liam."

"No," Liam says shakily, and he feels a lot closer. Zayn tenses, feeling Liam's hands tight on his hips, and he opens his eyes to look at Liam. Or what used to be Liam, because the person staring back at him isn't a Liam he's ever seen before. This Liam looks broken, somehow. "No, I'm not running away again. Not this time."

"First time for everything," Zayn says, folding his arms defensively, refusing to give in. Not this time.

"I deserve that," Liam replies carefully, his hands moving up to close around Zayn's arms and grasp them tightly. "You deserve more. God, Zayn, you deserve so much more but I can't stay away. I can't keep leaving you, not if there's a fucking chance you want more. That you might want me to stay."

Zayn stares at him, open-mouthed. "Liam, I've been trying to get you to talk to me for months. You're the one who doesn't want more, not me."

"I want everything," Liam whispers, looking distraught with wide eyes and a vaguely trembling bottom lip that he bites down on, drawing Zayn's helpless gaze. "I want everything but I was scared, so I kept running. I kept fucking _running_ but I couldn't figure out if I was running towards you or away from you, so I think I ended up doing both somehow."

"Liam," Zayn says, his voice trembling because he really, really doesn't want to be reading Liam wrong here. He doesn't want to mistake the reason why Liam's hands are biting into his skin or the way Liam's staring at him like he never wants to let go. "Liam, have you figured it out? Which way you're running?"

"Towards you," Liam says quickly, his face flushing and Zayn _loves_ him. He fucking loves how brave Liam is sometimes, the way he dives in without a thought for self-preservation or to protect himself. "It's always towards you Zayn. I've been running towards you for years. I've just never been able to figure out why you're always there, waiting for me to catch up."

Zayn drags him in, pressing a fierce, dry kiss against his lips before he pulls back, keeping his head leaning against Liam's as they both just breathe, his heart racing as he tries to figure out what he wants to say.

"Dani told me to come tell you," Liam says quietly, and Zayn wants to laugh, honestly. He's gone from heartbreak to ecstasy in half a day and he's too wired to figure everything out, but he knows he wants to laugh hysterically right now. "She told me that she'd always wondered, maybe a little. And she wasn't surprised at all."

"The lovebite," Zayn murmurs, because he has to know. He has to hear everything. "Who gave you that lovebite, Liam?"

"Just a girl in a club," Liam says, sounding ashamed and miserable. "Didn't even kiss her. She was just there and we were dancing and I was so mad. I was mad and upset and heartbroken and she said something about how we all used to give each other lovebites and then she bit down on my neck. I didn't push her away, but I knew I should. I shouldn't have even danced with her, not when I just wanted to be with you."

"You're such a fucking idiot," Zayn says, pulling Liam close into his embrace. "You're an idiot."

"I know," Liam says sadly, and it makes Zayn laugh, so he kisses him again. "Dunno why you'd want to be with me, really."

"Because you're my fucking idiot," Zayn says quietly, hearing Liam make a snuffling noise against his shirt as they hold onto each other tightly. "And I want to be with you all the time. Want to kiss you all the time. Want to tell you about my day, every day. Want to hear you laugh and hold onto you when I'm homesick. I want you to fuck me and hold me and I want to hold your hand and tell my mum that I'm in love with a fucking idiot."

He hears Liam whimper into his shirt and feels his hands tighten on his hips. "I love you too," he says, looking up and staring at Zayn so fucking seriously that Zayn just has to kiss him again. "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out."

"So long as we're on the same page now," Zayn says with a small smile, because it's worth it. It's worth every horrible moment if they're going to be together from here on out. If it's the two of them, together, in love.

Liam pushes him back until he feels the wall behind him, solid and firm. Liam ducks in for a kiss, his hands tugging on Zayn's shirt before he pulls it up and over Zayn's head, flushing as he stares at Zayn's chest. "You said something about fucking you and holding you."

"Definitely on the same page," Zayn murmurs as he pulls Liam back in for a kiss that promises everything.

*

Liam helps him clean up the graffiti room, looking miserable until the walls are whitewashed and Zayn starts sketching a quick picture of Liam's eyes, right in the middle of the main wall. When he's painstakingly painted it perfectly, he takes a picture and promises Liam that it's not getting whitewashed. Not now, not ever.

That night, Liam fucks him into the mattress so carefully, so sweetly, and so fucking slowly that Zayn comes apart twice on his cock, sobbing and wrecked and horribly, desperately in love. Afterwards, Liam cuddles him close and tells him how much he loves him, until he falls asleep, exhausted and happier than he could have ever imagined.

When Zayn takes Liam home to his parents, and they break the news, it's to stunned silence. But Zayn doesn't let go of Liam's hand and they spend the entire day and evening talking to his parents, helping them get their heads around everything. When they get home the next day to Liam's apartment in London, Liam pins him against the front door, their things forgotten as Liam fucks him hard and fast, both of them coming quick and fierce as they promise each other that they'll get through this together.

When they tell the lads, no one's surprised and Louis hugs them tightly together, before making them promise not to have sex on the tour bus. Liam promises faithfully but Zayn just grins, and Liam flushes bright red. That night, while they lie together in bed, breathless and completely fucked out, Liam wonders whether they'll ever get enough of each other. Whether this stage will pass or whether they'll still be desperately shagging in five years, set off by a simple touch or look.

"Probably won't go away," Zayn murmurs, eyes closed as he cuddles into Liam's side, his breathing uneven as he tries to imagine a world where he doesn't want to jump on Liam and rip his clothes off. He's not sure it's possible. "Always want you."

"Me too," Liam tells him and Zayn can hear the happiness in his voice. "It feels like it's forever."

"Yeah," Zayn agrees, pulling Liam in for a kiss that's more like a promise. "That's exactly what it feels like."


End file.
